So, the new season of Survivor started last week. It was pretty much like any other first episode: 20 people who appear facially to be diverse but are all actually quite a bit alike because they chose to go on a reality show were dropped off on an island in Fiji. The Exile Island bit is back, only this time the island is populated with DEADLY SEA SNAKES. The 20 people were eventually split into 2 tribes, Moto and Ravu, and when Ravu lost the immunity challenge an older woman was sent to Exile with the DEADLY SEA SNAKES and some pretty girl whose name I don’t even remember anymore was sent packing. We will not see her again until she gets to say one sentence on the reunion show in May.
For more on tonight’s episode, follow me…..
Tonight’s episode was about 80% poor Ravu and how they might die out on a Fijian island. You see, last week the winning tribe got to go back to a camp with a shelter and food and water and the losing tribe didn’t get a pot to piss in. Well, technically they did; they got a pot and a machete, but I would not recommend pissing in the pot you plan to boil water in, when you eventually have the fire to boil the water. Anyway, we spend the better part of the episode hearing the wailing cries and plinky-plunky strains of hunger and misery playing over shots of Ravu searching for food.
Erika, a bad-ass looking girl with an awesome ‘fro, finds a bunch of pineapples and Earl goes, “It’s a miracle. Me and Erika, we’re getting married. She saved my life, that is a good woman.” Hell, if that’s all it takes, I will go to Martin’s and buy a pineapple right now. Also of note over at Ravu is Boston Rob II: Electric Newsie Boogaloo. His name is James but for reasons unclear to me he goes by Rocky and looks as if Boston Rob and Shane the Whiny Creep from Survivor: Panama had a kid. He insists on wearing a snap-front newsie cap that makes me want to break into a soft shoe and “King of New York.” But moving on….
Interspersed with the misery and general boo-hooing over at Ravu, we get to see a little of Moto over in their Survivor Palace (seriously, it’s pretty nice. It’s like Real World: Fiji). However, what we mostly see is Dreamz (his name, not mine) talk about his struggles growing up. Now, I understand how hard it must have been to be homeless at age 7 and eat out of garbage cans but I about pissed myself when he said, without a shred of irony or sarcasm,”Being on Survivor is a little bit easier than being homeless.” Well, I should hope to fucking shout.
In the immunity challenge, Ravu gets a nice lead but is foiled at the end by the puzzle portion. This is also what happened to them last week. I find it hard to root for the underdogs when the underdogs can’t even do the Survivor puzzles. Also of note, during the puzzle portion Erika, like, loses her shit completely and starts screaming at the other Ravu members. It might seem excessive, but if my tribe couldn’t assemble a puzzle pole, I’d probably scream at them too. She immediately gets targeted for eviction because god forbid they have to put up with Screaming Black Girl, nevermind that that leaves them with an older lady and two girls who looked emaciated before they got to Fiji.
In winning immunity, Moto picks Earl from Ravu to send to Exile Island, where there are DEADLY SEA SNAKES. Now, when it comes to sending someone to Exile Island, I’ve always thought, “I would send the weakest player because I don’t want any of the strong players *ahemYulahem* finding the Hidden Immunity Idol.” But of course, tribes keep sending the physically strong players to Exile, thereby not only giving the strong players a chance to find the Idol but also granting them immunity from that night’s vote. Good strategy, Moto. However, this does lead to a great moment when Earl encounters one of the DEADLY SEA SNAKES (probably animatronic, like at Show Biz) and he throws his machete at it a few times until it is dead and then he goes, I shit you not, “I just can’t take that chance.” What chance? That you might die from poisonous snake bites? Wow, maybe Survivor isn’t any easier than being homeless.
Back at Ravu, the crafty editors try to build some suspense that perhaps older lady Sylvia is going home because she is older and bossy, two things that usually spell voted-off-within-the-first-three-episodes. They even talk about the Boot Sylvia people being in a bind and Mookie says, “You gotta play the hand you’re dealt and right now I got a real funky hand,” which only made me think of the stink-palm, but I believe he meant funky in the figurative sense. Despite the best Crafty Editing Efforts, in the end it is Screaming Erika who gets the boot.
This surprises me because the first two evictees have been young, good-looking women. Usually on this show, that spells I-will-go-so-far-because-I-will-get-naked-for-peanut-butter-&-chocolate- and-pose-for-Playboy-and-marry-Cole-Hamels. So, that’s two young chicas gone. Who will be eliminated next week? Find out with Lady Andrea, same bat time, same bat channel.
