Season 11 of the Amazing Race begins in beautiful Miami, Florida. I did not see AJ or Lt. Winslow in the background anywhere, but I was on a full Mustache Watch just the same. We get a little intro about each team, all of which are lame and cheesy. If you want a good intro to each team, read my preview post for All-Stars. In this week’s recap, I will use joint real names and nicknames for the teams, but this is the only week you get the training wheels. Try to keep up, folks. For the highlights from tonight’s auspicious start to the All-Star show, follow me…
A few noteworthy things about the intros: 1. We are treated to Amber’s first “haha, don’t touch me” look when Rob tries to smooch her on-camera (Team Reality Show). 2. Uchenna and Joyce (Team Awesome) have had failed at in-vitro fertilization and are still sans child. Frowny face. 3. Team Guido (Unfrozen Team Guido) refer to themselves as the two Gay Grandpas, which is awesome and I may have to rethink my nickname for them. 4. In Mirna and Charla’s (Team Tricky Meat-haulers) intro, Mirna wears a green shirt that makes her boobs look enormous. Like their combined weight is more than Charla altogether. 5. John Vito and Jill (Team Face Ball-Stoppers) talk about the stressful situation in which they became romantically involved (Jill’s brother and JV’s best friend being killed in 9/11), but how they didn’t work out together as a couple. And folks, if we learned anything from the movie Speed, it is that relationships started under intense circumstances never work out.
After the intros and Phil the Amazing Host’s speech about the race, everybody is sent off to get their bags and get their car to the airport. Then we get the opening credits and theme song. If you’ve never taken the chance to watch these, you should do it at least once because they make every team do this creepy head-turn when they are introduced. The best one this season? Eric and Danielle totally look up from gazing down at Danielle’s cooch. True story.
Once inside the cars, it is a race to the airport and right away we get 3 great lines of the episode. First Oswald tells an out-of-breath Danny, “I told you, less martinis, more cardio.” Sing it sister. We then see an interview where Eric says to Dani, “As long as she realizes I’m in charge, we’ll be fine.” Amazingly, Dani does not whack him with a tube sock full of wood screws, she merely replies, “You’re the boss!” No, dear, Tony Danza and Judith Light were the boss and you are the sucky half of Team Halfie. Finally, we see Teri ask Ian how he liked the boat they rode in on and he replies, “It was cool, like Miami Vice [snort], it felt like we were chasing drug dealers in the 80s again.” [snort! “again?”] But then it turns out Ian was an undercover narcotics officer for many years, so I stop laughing because….fair enough.
At the airport, there are two flights to Ecuador. The flight that leaves earlier arrives later and vice versa, so that’s a nice curveball to throw our all-stars right off the bat. Who does not quite get it? Who should not be on ALL-STARS? Mary and David (Team Bleeding Ears). They immediately go for the flight that leaves earlier and do not bother to check when the other flight arrives until it is too late. Here’s the weird part: they lie to Dustin and Kandice (Beauty & the Barbaro) about the flight times (good move!), but then they tell the truth to two other teams (what the fuck?). The idea, Team Bleeding Ears, is to have as many teams behind you as possible because IT’S A RACE. The idea is not to lie to a team you dislike and help everybody else. But whatever, if it gets them eliminated, I am fine with that. There is also a weird “gong” sound effect when Team Bleeding Ears lies to Beauty & the Barbaro, like Chuck Barris is hanging around off-screen.
Next Mary and David introduce themselves to Rob and Amber (Team Reality Show), except they say, “Rob and Kim.” Now, at first this made me laugh really hard because: ha ha Amber! Until I remembered that Rob and Kimberly were a team just last season with Mary and David and I understand the slip of the tongue. However, I’m glad to get to bring up Rob and Kimberly because they will be important later.
In Ecuador, the teams are sent to a plaza and then to Pim’s Restaurant where they get these cushy cots with fluffy blankets and a meal. WHAT THE FUCK? This is All-Stars! Where is the sleeping on the street? I am sorely disappointed with this development, it is way too posh and suddenly the Amazing Producers are on notice. [big hairy eyeball]. Also, Team Reality Show is in first place at the plaza and they never relinquish it.
We check in with Drew and Kevin (Team Big Mac) and I notice that Kevin is wearing an ND Football hat. That is a personal shout-out to me. As they get to the plaza, Drew gets out of the taxi and falls down. Later, we get to see the large gash in his knee and he says his shoulder really hurts, so it must have been a pretty decent fall, but at the time it looks like he just falls down. While viewing this, my friend Courtney and I immediately turn to each other and Courtney goes, “What are you doing?” and I yell, “I fell down!” Last season, Rob (of Rob and Kimberly) just randomly fell down for no reason and when Kim asked him what he was doing (like she caught him picking his nose or something), he very angrily yelled at her, “I FELL DOWN!” and now Courtney and I yell that at each other a lot. Moving on….
In the morning, the teams must drive to a national park and choose to either Wrangle It (rope a horse and trim its hooves, mane and tail) or Recover It (find a sword, epaulet and button hidden in a field). Anybody who has watched this show at all knows you never, ever choose the needle-in-the-haystack (button-in-a-field) task, but that is exactly what Team Reality Show does, which has me reconsidering their title as Team Reality Show. However, Rob realizes this is a bad choice and they take off for Wrangle It. Every other team chooses Wrangle It as well and the first 3 finishers are Team Reality Show, Oswald and Danny (Team No-Pants) and Teri and Ian (Team Old Farts). Incidentally, Ian keeps going, “Hoo rah!” and since I have determined that he is neither Col. Nathan R. Jessup nor Lt. Col. Frank Slade, I feel that this is very unnecessary.
The next 4 teams are: Eric and Danielle (Team Halfie), Unfrozen Team Guido, Beauty & the Barbaro, and Uchenna and Joyce (Team Awesome). The show closes with 4 teams racing to avoid elimination. We are also treated to this gem by Drew and Kevin which, despite being shown in the previews to death, still made Courtney and me laugh really hard.
Drew: “Peru is nice, it’s beautiful out.”
Kevin: “I’m sure it’s nice in Peru, we’re in Ecuador.”
We are also treated to Mirna of Team Tricky Meat-Haulers being a whiny bitch to her Little Person cousin Charla. When Charla says they can beat Team Bleeding Ears in a footrace, Mirna replies, “Yeah, right,” then later Mirna points out that wrangling involves holding down a wild horse and Charla says, “That’s fine, I’ll hold it,” and we are treated to Chuck Barris’s GONG sound effect again. Look, sound editors: you are obviously unfamiliar with Charla’s hauling of the giant slab of beef and I would appreciate it if you could save the GONG sound for someone actually doing or saying something stupid.
It is quite the fight to the finish, with Drew and Kevin even getting a flat tire and continuing to drive on it, providing an awesome visual of the circle of rubber flapping in the breeze while the right front metal frame is just pushed along over the mud. However, in the end it goes Team Tricky Meat-Haulers, Team Bleeding Ears and Team Big Mac remaining in the race and John Vito and Jill (Team Face Ball-Stoppers) being eliminated. I’m sad to lose one of my favorite nicknames and I’m also sad that Team Bleeding Ears is still around because (have I mentioned this?) I HATE THEM!
Tune in next week folks, it’s an Amazing Show.
