Seriously, what is with all the gray tonight? I felt like I was watching this on my parents old Magnavox. Anyway, the first round of the show that I actually care about is upon us and tonight we are starting with the boys. Some of these boys I’ve become familiar with throughout the season so far and some of them I’ve never seen before because of the stupid way this shows thinks we would rather see bat-shit crazy, emotionally disturbed adults audition than, say, the good singers. We begin with the freaky thing where the boys walk towards the camera, single-file. There are so many thumbs-up, fingerguns and pretend sparring with the camera, it’s terrifying. We then move to say hello to the judges and Paula looks like she should’ve been trotting around last week at Westminster, having some snooty old woman check her hindquarters. Everybody ready to start the men’s night? Follow me…
Just to preface my review: I made notes while watching the show live, then I went back with my Tivo and watched each performance Muted and then with Sound while my eyes were closed. So every time I refer to Muted or Sound, you’ll know what I mean.
Up first is Rudy Cardenas, a 28 year old fella who auditioned with a very nice rendition of Open Arms by Journey. Man, Steve Perry could really wail. Rudy bears more than a passing resemblance to Paul Reubens (kind of a Paul Reubens with a nose job) and it’s freaking me out. And this is even before he starts dancing. Tonight, he treats us to the Edgar Winter Group’s Free Ride (at first I typed FogHat’s Free Ride and had a great joke about needing more fucking Foghat, but then I realized my mistake). This performance is marred by Rudy’s mush mouthiness; if I wasn’t familiar with Free Ride I’d have no idea what he’s singing. “Gon railrod hah de nah?” (I’ll be amazed if even 2 of you get that reference). There is also a disturbing amount of freaky Michael Jackson dancing with lots of crotch action and by the time he’s done I feel gross. I need a shower. This is even more terrifying in the Muted format, I do not recommend it. If he survives this week, they should treat him like Elvis on Ed Sullivan and only show him from the waist up. Judges’ thoughts: I agree with Randy and Simon, it was boring and unoriginal and I could hear this at karaoke night in any bar in town. C+ for Rudy.
Brandon Rogers, a 29 yr old cutie pie who gave a great audition of You Were Always On My Mind, is up next. He sings Rock with You by MJ and I really liked it. In Muted format, he totally wants to sex me. He’s giving me the Ace Young Bedroom Eyes, only I don’t feel like I may get an STD through the television screen like I did with Ace. One problem with this performance is that Brandon is having a great time, he’s a good dancer and he’s very energetic, but the background singers are awful. He goes, “I WANNA ROCK WITH YOU!” and they go, “all night.” It’s like they’re jealous that a former background singer is now in front. I’d watch your back, Brandon. Those bitches’ll fuck you up. This arrangement could also be more up-tempo, I believe. But I like it nonetheless, especially upon hearing it in the Sound version with eyes closed. He sings one line, “Rhythm get into you” and I get all tingly in my nether regions. Judges’ assessment: Randy and Paula say something inane and use the word “pitchy” (DRINK), but Simon knows this guy is good and maybe picked too safe a song. I agree with that. B+ for Brandon.
Our 3rd little Indian this evening is 28 yr old Sundance Head, who auditioned with a great blues number called Stormy Monday and has totally screwed the pooch ever since. How he made the Top 24 is beyond me, but every season needs a little cannon fodder so the “chosen ones” can make the top 12. Tonight he sings Nights in White Satin, so I guess technically he did sing a blues song [ba dump ching]. He’s not on key and his pronunciation is fucked up. He goes right to the end consonant (never reaching the nnnnnnd. Letters I’ve written, never meaning to snnnnnnd). When he reaches the Big Climax, he starts to sound Swedish. “I lohve yoahhh! Yes, I lohve yoahhh.” It’s fucking weird. In the Muted version, his does a total Smell-the-Fact-Acting face. Judges comments: they totally agree with me. I actually wrote the sentence in my notes “pitch is all over the place,” which Paula says verbatim to Sundance. So that’s a weird feeling for me because I am neither drunk nor hopped up on ‘ludes. Sundance gets a C+.
Asian Sensation Paul Kim is up next. He auditioned with one of my favorite slow songs, If I Ever Fall in Love by Shai, but he is very breathy and affected when he sings, which I hate. He also has this barefoot schtick going and I think that’s gross because I hate feet. Put your goddamn shoes on. Tonight he sings “Careless Whisper” by George Michael and the producers have a field day with showing his bare feet when he gets to the part about guilty feet having no rhythm. Clever, that. He is still totally breathy, like he just got done running laps before his song (to [breath] the [breath] dance [breath] floor). The high part is where he loses his shit completely and I start jamming sticks in my ears. In the Muted version, he is making gestures like he’s rapping but I know he’s actually singing a George Michael song, so that’s hilarious. I very much want to rip the pouka shell necklace off him and then stomp on his feet. Also, if he’s around next week I’d really like to see one of the guys up in the little holding cell upstairs tell another guy to “Shoot the glass” and then Paul will come onstage with rags wrapped around his feet, leaving trails of blood to the mic stand. Judges: they think we should remember his great potential and what he did before. Fuck that. You bring it tonight, here and now, or you go home. PS: they show his parents at the end and I have suddenly flashed on Peter Sellers in Murder by Death as Inspector Wang and his son Willie Wang and Paul and his father are totally those two. Paul gets a C.
Chris Richardson is our next lil guy and I mean that literally. He’s adorable and possibly pocket-sized. He’s 22 and is very much like Justin Timberlake, which is probably why I don’t really care for his voice. I really want him to sing Dick in a Box, but instead he sings the song I don’t ever need to fucking hear on Idol again, I Don’t Wanna Be by Gavin McCain…..Edwin McGraw…..Ali McGraw? Chris bouncing and shaking like a dashboard bobblehead and he keeps looking off to the side like Idol has borrowed Chuck Barris from the Amazing Race and he is about to be GONG’d off any minute. Chris is a talented singer, but his type of voice is not what I like. It’s higher-pitched and has a nasally tone to it, much like Timberlake’s. His dad is completely sans rhythm, but tries to bounce along anyway and that is my favorite part of Chris’s performance. He also pronounces the word “me” in a very boy band way, the way Timberlake does it at the end of the song, “It’s gonna be mehhhhhh.” You’re right, N’Sync, it is gonna be meh. Judges acknowledge that this is pretty good/okay, but that he’ll get votes because he’s cute. Chris gets a B.
Sidebar: That Coca-Cola commercial that makes it sound like Coke had anything to do with the Black movement for civil rights? Gross.
Batting 6th tonight is Nick Pedro, who auditioned with a great Fly Me to the Moon. He choose to go the Anthony Fedorov route and sing a Richard Marx song. Remember when Anthony sang Right Here Waiting? Yeah, that was awesome. Our Nick sings I Will Be Your Man and it’s not bad. The beginning is a little sharp, but he pulls it down and the falsetto is gorgeous. It gave me a shiver. Also, Nick is really cute! His smile and dimples are awesome and he can do good looks at the camera without being all child-molestery, like Ace. For next week, someone needs to show him how to jack up the mic stand to the right height because he’s all slouchy, it is very Eeyore. In the corner of Cat Fights and Xanax, Randy and Paula don’t like it but Simon does. He and I are very in tune to each other this week. He thought it was lacking a spark, but the voice was good and Nick will definitely be back next week, which is all true. Nick gets a B.
One of my preseason favorites is up next, 25 yr old Blake Lewis who auditioned with Seal’s Crazy and can also do a mean beatbox. He also goes the Anthony Fedorov route by sitting on a stool and he’s wearing a sweatervest, but he looks really cute anyway. He sings Somewhere Only We Know by Keane and the vocals are good. His falsetto needs work, but he hits a low note on the word “know” that makes me tingly again. His dad in the audience is singing along! I smell spin-off! Dads dancing and singing along and fighting crime as Peter Sellers’ Inspector Wang. Judges liked it, Simon said best so far, which is exactly what I have written in my notes. Blake gets a B+ (I save A- and up for the really outta the park numbers).
Hey, how did one of the girls sneak into tonight? Oh wait, that’s just Sunjaya Malakar. He is so girlie, it is frightening. Girlie hair, girlie voice, pretty face. Not handsome, pretty. Except for the Gallagher Brows, he’s a total chick. He sings Knock Me Off My Feet by Donell Jones, a song I’m not familiar with and now never will be because it is awful. Just awful. Can he hear the accompaniment? The best part is that in my notes, I have written that this is boring. “I don’t wanna bore you with this” indeed. And then SIMON SAYS THE SAME THING! We would totally be BFF in real life. Sunjaya gets a C-.
Next up we have the offspring of Jack Osborne and Jim Belushi named Chris Sligh. He sings Typical by Mute Mouth, but we can call Chris Mush Mouth because I swear to god I thought he was singing, “Can I break the spell? It’s in the cards.” And I thought yeah, that works because spells and tarot cards and whatnot and then I learned that the title to the song is Typical and is (I guess) what he is singing there. Whatever. He keeps doing the Fling My Arms out like Jesus thing that guys are prone to do when performing on this show. In the judges corner, Randy and Paula loved it, Simon thinks it’s like student open mic night at a bar. The audience has to be prompted to booo at Simon, which means he’s right. However, I think part of the problem was watching chubby curly-haired guy spaz around the stage because when I did the Sound version, it actually wasn’t bad. Chris gets a B-.
Our 10th Little Indian is Jared Cotter, a guy I’ve never really seen before, which he points out to us in his interview. You tell ‘em, Jared! Less crazy women dressed like Big Bird, more actual singers! He is quite good looking, so he almost makes up for the fact that the show dangled Jenry Bejareno in front of us at auditions and we never saw him again. Where did he go? He was beeyoootiful! If anybody knows, email me because I really want to know (andrealeigh203@gmail.com). Jared chooses to sing a song I fucking detest, Back to One by Brian McKnight. His tone is rich and he does a nice job, especially with another tingle-giving low note on the word “reveal.” His falsetto is also nice. The ending is totally weird, but that’s not his fault, which he rightly points out to the judges. I like this kid. However, a message for Mr. Cotteeeer, “I do not need you to hold up your fingers to indicate which number step we are on, thanks.” Also, I hate, HATE, the line that says, “Repeat steps 1 through 3.” This is not a shampoo bottle, and I enjoyed this idea better when it was done as a joke by Courteney Cox on Friends (A 1-2-3, a 2, a 3-4, 5, 5, a 5-6-7, 7! 7! 7! 7!). But back to Jared Cotter. He’s got a nice slow jam, very The Quiet Storm and chocolatey goodness. Also, again Simon says that it’s hard to sing an exact copy of something so famous and I have written down, “If you’re gonna sing something so well-known, you gotta sing the shit outta it.” See Carrie Underwood’s Alone as an example. Jared gets a B.
Coming down the home stretch we get AJ Tabaldo, a 22 yr old who thank god lost his dirty little mustache between auditions and now. Ewww. They show him getting his ticket to Hollywood and OH MY GOD, HIS DAD IS EDWARD JAMES OLMOS! Frakkin’ awesome. AJ sings Never Too Much by Luther Vandross and all I want to do is grab him and scream, “Don’t pop your collar, you little punk bitch.” He also moves around very Cruise Ship Show-like (Simon says “theme park,” but same difference). Paula says that the girls were like this: and then she makes this weird blow-up doll drunk face. Whatever. This guy was bland and fine, he’ll live to fight another day, but he won’t make top 12. AJ gets a B-.
Phil Stacey is bringing up the rear tonight with his freaky bald head and giant eyebrows and Vulcan ears. He sings I Could Not Ask for More by Edwin McGraw…..Tim McGraw…..Edwin Drood? I love this song and Phil ends up bringing it home. He starts out really rough, not only singing-wise but also the fact that he just stares creepily ahead and I yell, “BLINK, MAN, BLINK!”, but I’ll chock it up to nerves. Once he gets going, he does a nice job and at the Big Climax he goes “ALLLLLLL I’VE WAITED FOR!” and then totally brings it down for “and I could not ask for more” and it’s nice. I don’t like the Bo Bice Mic Stand trick he pulls, but overall I really enjoyed it. Maybe not best of the night, but definitely good and Simon agrees. Phil gets a B+.
In the Recap we get: Gross Rudy dancing and mush mouthing, Brandon dancing awesomely and hitting a pretty note, Swedish Sundance with Flung Jesus Arms, Paul doing gangsta street gestures to a George Michael song and the feet coincidence again, Chris R being a Dick in a Box, Nick sounding good, but hunched over like a munchkin, Blake looking like I want to make out with him, Sunjaya “I don’t Wanna Bore you with this,” Chris S. shouting at me, Jared being all chocolatey goodness, AJ being boring but sounding nice, Phil blowing it out and ending softly and looking like Gollum.
Who should go home? Sunjaya, Paul Kim or Sundance. Rudy is also in this bunch, but I’ll give him another week to prove he can sing and not be gross. If any of the 4 of them go, I will not weep.
Tune in tomorrow night for the girls! Lady Andrea out.
