Our show kicks off with a recap of the boys from last night. I don’t really know why they insist on putting us through this again, because it was pretty excruciating the first time. A few of them were pretty good, but nobody blew me away. Here’s the recap, it should tell you all you need to know if you missed last night. The girls are introduced in the same single-file line as the boys were, only this time the fingerguns and thumbs-up are replaced by cutsy-pie waving, which is barfy. Also, this group of girls? I have seen like 3 of them before they made the Top 24 and that pisses me off to no end, but we talked about that last night. Also, it’ll hard to be snarky tonight because most of the girls brought their A game. Let’s get right to it, shall we?
Stephanie Edwards is up first. She is a very pretty 19 yr old with short hair. She sings How Come You Don’t Call Me Anymore by Alicia Keys and she sings the hell out of it. She is sultry and sassy and sounds phenomenal. We even get her to drop to her knees, in a dress no less, and she gets back up without flashing cooch or falling over, so good on her. The judges agree with me that it was hot, she came out like she wanted to win. Stephanie gets an A-. (The grades tonight are not in comparison to the boys last night because then even the so-so girls would be getting B+s).
Next up is a waify, long-haired girl who may be Amy Krebs or Alaina Alexander or Nicole Tranquillo or Haley Scarnato. For real, it’s Amy Krebs but you know how a running racial joke is that all [fill in the minority] all look alike? Well, so do waifish, long-haired, shiny-lipped American Idol girls. Anyway, Amy comes out in an ugly purple hippie-dippy maternity dress and sings one of my favorite songs, I Can’t Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt. She has a thin voice, so it sounds shitty because this song needs the smokiness of Ms. Raitt. It is also so boring, I really dontldkflasizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
What? It’s over? Moving on. Oh and all the judges agree with me, it was boring and forgettable. Paula does mention that Amy impressed them in earlier auditions, so that’s fucking great because I’ve never seen her before in my life. Oh, and PS: she looks a lot like Rosanna Arquette and not in a good way, though I’d totally be BFF with her if she sang “Rosanna” next week (provided she makes it, which is nowhere near a foregone conclusion). Amy gets a C+.
Leslie Hunt, my new lesbian life partner comes out next. Every season I have one (Kelly, Kimberly Locke, Amy Adams, Carrie Underwood, Melissa McGhee & Katharine McPhee) and Leslie Hunt is my girl this year. She is so fucking cute. I may be in the minority, but I stand by my choice. She sings Natural Woman and is rocking a pair of thigh-high leather boots. She has a very rich tone and on the lower verses of this song she is killing. However, the chorus is too big for her mellow, rich voice. She’s got some nice bedroom eyes for the camera too, way to go. The judges agree that the song is too big and Simon says she looks uncomfortable and embarrassed. Also, Leslie’s dad? Boyfriend? Brother? Wants to stab Simon right in the gut. No spinoff for you sir, we are all about the love and bad rhythm in the Dad Spinoff. I wouldn’t go so far as to say Leslie looks embarrassed, but she definitely can work on the way she utilizes the stage. Leslie gets a B.
The very pretty and exotic-looking 27 yr old Sabrina Sloan is up next and she does a nice job on I Never Loved a Man by Aretha Franklin. She’s got good personality and cocks a mean eyebrow at the camera, but she also is one of those girls who is masculine and pretty and kind of….skirting the edge of drag queen. Sorry, but it’s true. Also, she gets a little shouty for my taste. Some people think that loud automatically equals Whitney Houston, but to me you have got to be out-of-this-world good to get loud like that and not sound shouty and Sabrina is skirting the edge of that. The judges all go apeshit over her, but really she wasn’t better than Stephanie. Sabrina gets a B+
Oh lord. Next we get one of the Jersey Twins, Antonella Barba. First off, girl needs to watch her ‘stache because you can kinda see it. Secondly, everyone talks about how hot she is, but she’s a little too monkey-looking for my taste. Third, she picks a song I FUCKING HATE. Even more so than Jared’s Back to One last night. It’s that piece of shit ballad(?) from that piece of shit movie Armageddon that starts out all slow and schmaltzy and ends with Steven Tyler screaming like he’s getting a prostate exam from Captain Hook. Anyway, Antonella is stiff and nervous and sharp as hell. She also has no idea how to perform; she keeps taking what my acting professor, Dr. Lee Orchard, would call “two steps to nowhere.” Either own the stool or work the stage, don’t just futz around like you have to pee. Randy tells it straight, Paula and Simon go to the old stand-by of “Well, at least you’re pretty.” Antonella gets a big ol’ C-.
Up next is one of my favorites, 17 yr old Jordin Sparks. This girl is adorable, has a huge smile and a wonderful, wonderful voice. She’s kind of like the Thing That Ate Lisa Tucker. I would argue she is the most naturally-talented girl in the competition because some of the other really good voices I could see going totally off the rails on certain types of songs. Jordin manages to take a song I also hate (Tracy Chapman is a man and I hate his music) and sings it really well, especially the ending. The only thing is she needs to learn how to move around, she just kind of stomps around the stage. Also, I have written in my notes, “This is the girl who should’ve picked a bigger song,” which his exactly what the judges say. Jordin gets B+.
So, our next waify long-haired clone is 20 yr old Nicole Tranquillo, who sings a song I have never heard before called Stay by Chaka Khan. She is making weird froggy, throaty sounds on the low stuff and scary nasally noises on the high stuff and this is awful. I mean, for real, I think I sing better than this in the shower. Also, she is making some fucked up I’m-passing-a-stone faces. Her dad can be on the spinoff, though, because he’s rocking out some bad clapping where he can’t find the beat. Simon gets this right on the nose that it was self-indulgent and bad. Paula makes the remark, “I don’t know how many people can hit the note that you [Nicole] can hit.” Um, Paula? Lots of people can and they can do it without sounding like a cat being put through a wood-chipper. Nicole gets a D+.
Up now is the only waify long-haired girl I actually liked, 24 yr old Haley Scarnato. Alright, now it’s time to confess my secret shame. While I do not enjoy most of Celine Dion’s music (even though she can sing like WHOA, there’s a difference), I secretly LOVE the song It’s All Coming Back to Me Now. When it comes on the radio, I get very dramatic and one time, when I was feeling particularly emotional, I started crying while singing it. Ahem. Moving on….
Haley is very Broadway. I think most of you will know what that means. The way she enunciates things, it makes me think she has quite the musical theatre background. However, she has a nice clear tone and I enjoyed this. It wasn’t awesome, but it was good. Broadway gets mentioned by Randy and Simon thinks she sounded old, though she does have a good voice. This is all true. Also, Haley is wearing a weird bustier-jumpsuit thing with a hubcap necklace and looks a little ridiculous. Haley gets a B.
Melinda Doolittle is a Muppet. A 29 yr old Muppet who sings Since You Been Gone by Aretha Franklin and does weird, creepy dance moves. Like, you know how sometimes Jim Carrey will exaggerate (I know! What????) a tip-toeing step, by lurching up and down while all hunched over? That’s what she reminds me of. However, when I just listen and don’t watch, it’s one of the best of the night. She is very talented and the ending is great. The judges concur. Melinda gets an A-.
Our 4th trip down waify, long-haired lane is with Alaina Alexander, a 24 yr old who sings Brass in Pocket by The Pretenders. And Chrissy Hynde she is not. She is like bad Chrissy Hynde karaoke. She is off key and I’m fucking bored. The judges all hate it and Simon says this week she’ll be relying on looks and she snots, “Nice.” Oh, you wait a fucking minute there honey. How can you possibly think you are still in this competition for any reason other than the fact that you are waify, long-haired and boringly pretty in that Mischa Barton kinda way? Give me a fucking break, you stupid bitch.
Gina Glocksen, a 22 yr old funky girl who might also be my lesbian life partner for this season (we’ll have to see if she and/or Leslie make the Top 12) sings All By Myself, which has kind of been ruined for me by the movie Half Baked. However, I really like it. She has a nice rich, deep voice that sounds very pretty. Her big climax notes alternate between shrieky and full, she doesn’t quite have control over doing that yet. Randy and Paula love it, Simon points out the shrieky last note.
Our requisite sob story of the season is 27 yr old single mom Lakisha Jones. She sings And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going from Dreamgirls. This is a performance that when listened to without watching sounds incredible. However, the visual is scary. Not because she’s the “big girl,” like I’m sure you’re all thinking, but because she stomps around and points like she’s Macho Man Randy Savage. It’s fucking weird. Also, it is not as good as Jennifer Hudson and Lakisha invited comparisons by choosing this song. The judges go apeshit, which is appropriate but I also still don’t think she is as good as Stephanie, who I think really got the fuzzy end of the lollipop by having to go first. Anyway, Lakisha gets an A-.
In the Recap of the Girls we get: Stephanie being sexy and awesome, Amy being a Rosanna Mannequin, Leslie being good but not great, Sabrina look hot and shouting too much for my taste, Antonella sucking it hard, Jordin being very good on a song I hate, Nicole sucking hard too, Haley giving her regards to Broadway, Melinda freaking me out with her Muppet ways but sounding awesome, Alaina sucking it hard three, Gina hitting a note that I’m sure some loved and some hated and Lakisha being pretty damn good.
Who should go home? Amy, Antonella, Nicole or Alaina. They all did shitty and the two of the four that don’t go only got by because they are pretty. If anybody goes who is not from this group of 4, I will be mad. Lady Andrea out.
