American Idol Results: Filler, filler everywhere but not a drop to drink

 

They start off by talking about all the artists who are guest-starring on the show this season. For some reason, it goes Diana Ross, Jon Bon Jovi, J-Lo, Gwen Stefani, Tony “I Talk My Way Thru Songs” Bennett, Martina McBride (huge voice) and then two members of Herman’s Hermits. Now, I love Herman’s Hermits. I like their version of Silhouettes, Wonderful World, I’m Into Something Good, Can’t You Hear My Heartbeat, and There’s a Kind of Hush. But seriously? American Idol’s target audience has no earthly idea what Herman’s Hermits is and I don’t know if I would’ve built the list of artists towards them, you know? Like, if I was going to tell you about why I love Spielberg, I wouldn’t say it’s because of Jaws, ET, Indiana Jones, Schindler’s List and 1941, you know?

Anyway, the group sing-along tonight is to Tears For Fears’ Sowin the Seeds of Love, which is making me think of the Heart lyrics (We walked in the garden, we planted a seed). I love Heart so much. I heart Heart, if you will. Anyway, everybody sounds fine and their ability to navigate around the stage without sending one of the waify girls flying off into the audience is amazing. I fully expected an inadvertent hip-check from Lakisha to send Antonella flying through the air like a rag doll. They all do the requisite hand-in-the-air at the end of the song and the whole thing feels so Show Choir I think I might vomit.

Alright, finally we get an elimination! Yes! Thumbs up or thumbs down from Caesar, then throw ‘em to the lions! In the first line, Brandon, Sundance, Chris R, Nick and Blake are safe and Paul Kim is taking his stinky, guilty, gross feet away from us! YES! Called it. He is totally the one I wanted to go home the most out of anybody, so this is great. He does his stupid sing-out after the judges try to say nice things to make him feel better.

Now we get a girl’s elimination. In the first line, Jordin, Stephanie, Sabrina, Leslie, Melinda and WHAT???? ANTONELLA IS SAFE?!?!? Goddammit. She sucked last night. Oh well, there are any two of a group of four that I could not care less about, so that’s fine. And as it turns out, Amy is going home, she is the Purple Waif who sang I Can’t Make You Love Me. Her sing-out is better than last night. Why didn’t you bring that shit last night, dummy? Maybe if you had, Monkey Antonella would be going home instead.

Alright…..now we get Fantasia. God, I hate her. Her season of Idol was so weak. Diana sucked, Jasmine sucked and Fantasia sucked. 4^th place finisher Latoya London should’ve won. Anyway, Fantasia is about to start starring in a Broadway production of The Color Purple, so that’s neat for her. She starts singing some song and it’s all soft at first and she sounds nice, but then it ramps up and she starts shouting and I am having flashbacks to her season when we endured this week in and week out. Also? Get a different dress Fantasia. The girls are bouncing around like puppies wriggling under a blanket, you’re gonna poke somebody’s eye out.

Finally the torture ends and we get another elimination. MUHAHAHAHA, I love eliminations at this stage because there are always sucky people who deserve to go home and the tears make it funnier. Alright, in the new line Haley, Lakish, Gina, and Alaina are safe and Nicole is going home. Sweet. I hated her performance last night and now our number of long-haired waifs is halved. Her sing-out is fine, I don’t really care because I think it’s shitty to make them sing after they get eliminated. If it was me, I’d shove the microphone into Ryan’s chest, yelling, “Fuck y’all, I’m out,” and stomp off-stage, shoving people out of my way, hoisting Paula over my shoulder like Fay Wray and storming off. It would be a sight to behold, people.

The final elimination of the night is coming. In the guys’ line, Chris S, Phil, Jared, and AJ are all safe. It comes down to Rudy and Sunjaya and Ryan tells us that one of them is going home and one is in the top 4 guys. Rudy is going home, which….whatever. I’m just floored that Sunjaya was in the Top 4! Dear god, we have another precocious not-that-great singer who is going to sail through and then continually give me the creeps like Kevin Covais did all of last season. Fuck that all to hell. PS: Ryan asks Rudy what happened and I’d like to answer. What happened was he came out singing a stupid 70s cover band song and gyrating around like he had a live ferret in his pants. He made everybody in the studio and everybody at home feel like they needed to take a shower and go to confession. He also was so mush-mouthed I can’t believe he hadn’t been shot up with Novocain before his performance. That is what happened, Ryan.

No big surprises this week……..can’t wait to see you all Tuesday night. Lady Andrea out.