It’s the Amazing Race, not the Amazing Friendship

 

Previously, all the teams got sent to Ecuador (not to be confused with Peru) and the daunting task of finding the North entrance of a giant national park proved too much for a lot of the teams, with Team Face Ball-Stoppers being eliminated first. Remember kids, no more training wheels. We are using the names I came up with and that is that.

Tonight, it appears that during the pitstop Drew needed oxygen for altitude sickness. Seriously, he looks sick to me. Not, like the flu or altitude sickness, like Cancer or AIDS sick. I wonder if something actually is wrong with him. Oh well, by the end of this episode I’ll wish he’d been hit by a bus, so whatever. This is like Bizarro Amazing Race, where everybody is a total dick. Well, way more than in a normal episode. To find out how, follow me…

At 7:42 am, Team Reality Show gets their clue and are off for the Codelco Corporate Headquarters in Santiago, Chile. On their way out of the national park, there is some pretty rough terrain and Amber remarks, “This is not a road, this should be illegal.” Yeah, it should totally be against the law for developing countries to have bad roads, Amber.

Within the next 40 minutes, Team No-Pants, Team Old Farts, Team Halfie, Unfrozen Team Guido, Beauty & the Barbaro and Team Awesome all get their clues and get outta there too. The only thing noteworthy is Eric of Team Halfie making a stupid, indecipherable joke about “Humpty Dumbass” and the sound editors using the “crickets” sound effect. Well-played, sound editors.

At 8:50, Team Tricky Meat-Haulers and Team Bleeding Ears are released to unleash their hell onto the unsuspecting people of Eduador and Chile. The Meat-Haulers get stuck in the mud and Bleeding Ears use their tow-rope to pull them out, which is nice and all, but totally makes my two viewing companions and I start screaming at the TV that, “IT’S A RACE!!!!”

Finally Team Big Mac gets to leave at 9:44 am and Drew immediately starts whining about his “ailments.” When they get stuck in the mud, they put the tow strap AROUND KEVIN and he pulls as Drew drives. However, Drew does not stop after they get out of the mud and Kevin comes dangerously close to being pulled along a moving vehicle like he is being lynched and I actually get a little afraid for him. Seriously, it was scarier than it sounds.

Alright, blahblahblah Airport blahblahblah two flights blahblahblah Team Reality Show and Team No-Pants are on the first flight, putting them in Santiago 40 minutes early, and everybody else is on the second flight. Except the first flight’s connection gets delayed, putting them behind. On the second flight, Team Bleeding Ears put their ginormous backpacks in the first class overhead compartments and so Drew takes them out and puts them on the floor. Everybody kind of chuckles at Team Bleeding Ears and David says, “Drew started it, so it’s on.” Sweet. 2^nd grade logic. Now, in hindsight I think maybe Drew was being a dick because he’s the bitter, miserable shell of a person I loved in season 1. At the time, however, I said to my viewing companions, “Put your bags in the compartment where you’re sitting, that is so rude.”

Also, somehow the Gay Grandpas have found cucumber slices to put on their eyes on the flight. Um, what? Where the hell did they get cucumber slices? Do they carry them in a Ziploc baggie in their backpacks? Were they at the last pitstop? Was the flight attendant handing out warm washcloths, beverages and cucumber slices? Seriously, I have to know where they came from because it is just. That. Weird.

In Chile the roadblock involves attending a fake business meeting with fake businessmen and locating random letters located on the businessmen and unscrambling them to spell the location of the next clue. And yes, it is as fucked-up as it sounds. Also, there are labeled pictures on the wall and one of the pictures is of the location, so it’s right there in front of them. The name is Chiquicamata, which is the only location that contains a “Q,” so that is a big help. Teams Awesome and Halfie are first to arrive and Joyce and Eric take the Roadblock. They are followed by Beauty, Joe the Gay Grandpa and Kevin. Beauty figures out to look at the pictures of the wall and is out of there first with the next clue, followed quickly by Unfrozen Team Guido.

Ian does it, Charla does it, Mary does it and (it pains me to say this) to Mary’s credit, the first thing she does is write down the names on the labeled pictures. She therefore figures it out very quickly. Charla and Kevin both get it soon after and the 3 annoying teams are off. Teams Reality Show and No-Pants finally arrive and Amber and Oswald get the answer fairly quickly, followed by Eric, Joyce and Ian. Eric and Joyce were the first two in the room and two of the last out, so way to go guys!

On a commercial, we are shown that we can text Race to some number and get Mary and David’s playlist that helps them along on the race. First of all, they never show these people listening to music, so whatever. Secondly, I texted the number and here are the songs: “Friends, I need Friends,” “Yell and Scream at Your Husband Whenever Possible,” “Coal Miner’s Wife,” “Friendship is better than God,” “My Sister is My Aunt,” “We’re FRIENDS, GODDAMMIT!” and “Timothy.”

After the commercials, we see that it doesn’t matter at all who figured out the scramble first because everybody is on the same flight to Calama, Chile. I fucking hate that. Also, when Team Reality Show arrives at the airport, Rob snots, “Ambah, get the bags.” Oh man…..tube sock full of woodscrews, buddy.

Also, at the ticket agents’ counter a new agent comes on shift and Eric jumps ahead of everybody to go her, which is a totally legitimate and smart thing to do. Rob throws a fit and in hindsight tries to explain that he was “stirring the pot.” I personally think he only says this because at the time of the incident, Amber points out that Rob would’ve done the same exact thing if he’d thought of it first. Rob does not like this and in an interview says that they are a team and that there is a method to his madness. Also, get the bags honey.

In Calama, they all get to the Chuquicamata Mine and everybody puts on their safety gear and has to choose between By Hand or By Machine. Heh heh. That’s dirty. Anyway, what it means is they can either put washers and bolts on a giant wheel by hand or they can use a giant machine to haul gravel until their pile is big enough. Personally, I’d haul gravel because you should always choose the task you would never get to do at home and I will never get to drive a bulldozer at home. However, only Team Reality Show and Unfrozen Team Guido choose Machine, everybody else chooses Hand.

Highlights of this task include:

David points out to Mary that some of their pieces are different from others and she replies, “Whatever.” That’ll be important later.

Charla and Mirna totally lose their minds over Charla wanting to use a step stool to reach the top half of the wheel. Now, I’m starting to hate both of these women but I have to side with Charla on this one. She’s 4’0 tall, she wants to help on the task, so HELP YOUR COUSIN GET A GODDAMNED STEP-STOOL! However, they are both totally gross in their screaming, dramatic production “Getting the Step-Stool.” Beauty & the Barbaro observe that the Meat-Haulers are very dramatic and abrasive. That’s a very diplomatic way of putting it, Beauty Queens. And world peace.

Elsewhere, Joe insists that the clue says they both have to haul gravel, but Bill says, “Don’t worry about it.” He responds to Joe’s comment. That’ll be important later.

Team Reality Show finishes first and gets their clue. They have to drive 71 miles to the Valley of the Moon, where they can drive through the Valley at 40 km/hr (due to sharp turns and shifting sands) and then once they are out, they can drive 50 km/hr on the highway to the Valley of the Dead, which is the pitstop. Team Reality Show heads out.

David tries to tighten a bolt with a wrench and hilariously falls backward.
Courtney, “What are you doing???”
Me, “I FELL DOWN!!!”

Mirna is over at her giant wheel talking to herself, “Think these other teams are gonna win a million dollars? I don’t think so, I don’t think so!” Her voice gets increasingly shrill on the “I don’t think so” part. I….I….I…have nothing to say.

Team No-Pants leaves in 2^nd, Team Awesome leaves in 3^rd, Team Halfie leaves in 4^th. Bill finally notices that each member of the team must take a turn hauling the gravel and he claims he didn’t hear Joe tell him this earlier. Except he totally responded to Joe when he said, “Don’t worry about it.” I hate it when people do that and this is why I advocate pocket-sized stenographers so we can have the record read back to us. I would win a lot of arguments that way.

Drew has to take a break to take his medicine (see…..sick for real?).

To reach the top bolts, Charla hoists Mirna on her shoulders (that’s big one on top of little one, in case you didn’t catch that). Now who needs a step-stool, Mirna ?

Team Bleeding Ears are told they must redo most of their bolts. HA HA, Mary!
Me: Stenographer? Can you tell us what Mary said when David pointed out they were using different types of pieces?
Stenographer: “Whatever.”

Finally everybody finishes their tasks, with Unfrozen Team Guido in 5^th, followed by Team Old Farts, Team Big Mac, Meat-Haulers, Beauty & the Barbaro and Team Bleeding Ears. Also, the Meat-Haulers pay a cabbie to show them the way to the Valley of the Moon, with them following behind him in their own car. Beauty & the Barbaro choose to follow the Meat-Haulers and when the taxi stops for some reason, both teams following him stop too.

Mirna declares that B&theB can either help pay for the taxi or they (the Meat-Haulers) are just going to sit by the side of the road. Yes, because that’s a good strategy. Rather than let somebody follow you, you are going to stop in the middle of the desert so as not to be taken advantage of. I mean, really, it’s only a race for $1 million and by god, you gave that cabbie ALL THE MONEY YOU HAVE and you’ll show those pretty girls because they were mean to you in high school!

Anyway, Charla demands that the other team pay up and to their credit Beauty & Her Steed realize just how far into Crazyland they have stepped and get the hell outta there. At this point, Mirna goes completely off the rails. Like, I can’t even come up with a good euphemism or metaphor or real life example. Katie Holmes-crazy does not cover it. Gary Busey-crazy comes close, but I still don’t think that does it justice. I’ll just transcribe it. Mirna is shrieking at the cab driver, “Take all our money! Take all our money! What do you want from me??? $20 to eat food, I give you, I don’t eat tomorrow. Muchas gracias, (crossing herself) God help you.”

The icing on the Crazy Cake comes in the form of Charla’s tirade of, “Beauty is sometimes skin deep. It’s easy to make yourself beautiful with plastic surgery but to have a pure heart and to have morals is not easy to make up.” Gross. I need a shower. Charla can take her morals and shove them right up her ass. IT’S A RACE!!!!!

So, every team drives through the Valley of the Moon with very little fanfare. It appears everybody followed the 40 km/hr speed limit and the only cool thing is that Oswald and Danny seem really touched by how beautiful it is and Oswald is crying and saying that he feels happy to be alive and like such a bitch. I applaud the sentiment, even if the delivery was a little….weird.

After the Valley the speed limit is back up to 50 km/hr and there is a fork in the road. Team Reality Show starts to take the right fork, realizes their mistake and turns around. They find the pitstop and finish first, winning two off-road motorcycles. They also do a dance, which is kinda cute. Except they win a lot, so it’s kind of like, “Yeah yeah, whatever.”

Team No-Pants is right behind in 2^nd and a little while later Unfrozen Team Guido is 3^rd, Team Halfie is 4^th, Team Awesome is 5^th. They all finish right behind one another, boom boom boom.

The final 5 teams play Highway LeapFrog, passing each other left and right. When the Meat-Haulers pass Team Bleeding Ears, Mary gets her turn at a self-righteous tirade and says, “When I saw what I believed was my friends trying to pass me? No, the game was on. I ain’t givin’ this game to nobody, Mary’s gonna try to finish to win.” First of all, knock that 3^rd person shit right the hell off. Second, people that use the word “ain’t” should just be taken out behind the barn and shot like a rabid dog. Finally, good luck with the finishing to win part when you come in 9^th out of 10 teams.

At the fork there is a sign, but everybody is tripped up and goes right. We can only hope that it was only Team Bleeding Ears whose logic was, “I would think right, cause it’s got the most words.” Finally, Beauty & the Barbaro stop and ask a park ranger for directions and get turned back around. Everybody else follows and B&theB finish 6^th and Old Farts finish 7^th. As the last three teams roll in, Kevin is begging (begging!) Drew to dig deep and try to run to the finish mat. However, Drew is a punk bitch and the Meat-Haulers finish 8^th and Bleeding Ears finish 9^th.

In the interview following the finish, Mary proclaims, “For two races now, all I’ve done is help people. Charla and Mirna were my friends. After what went on today, no! This is the last time I’m gonna help anybody.” At this point, my viewing companions and I are so incensed by this woman that we are literally shaking and sputtering and speechless with rage. We can’t even muster an “IT’S A RACE!!!”, though Courtney does give me my article title when she goes, “IT’S THE AMAZING RACE, NOT THE AMAZING FRIENDSHIP!”

At the finish mat, Kevin is a good sport and Drew is a big, fat, bitch. Kevin starts acting like an abused wife, making excuses for her shitty husband who beats her. What the hell happened to this team? I loved them in Season 1!!!! This episode sucked. If somebody was trying to tune into this show for the first time tonight, they would be disgusted and turn it off. What a bunch of whiny losers. All-Stars, my ass. Lady Andrea out.