Tonight we are back with the Guys. Randy was right last week when he said only about 4 of them deserve to go on to the Top 10 but alas, that’s not the way the show works, so we have to weed out 4 of these schmucks this week and next. Ryan Seacrest kicks us off with, “The guys are back and this time it’s personal.” Oh dear. Quite the auspicious start if we’re quoting Jaws IV. I mean, at least Jaws III had Louis Gossett Jr.
They make the boys do the creepy walk towards the camera again and Ryan ends with “and Chris Richardson.” Except Chris is second-to-last. Sundance is actually last and Ryan “covers” by going, “Don’t forget about Sundance Head.” It’s like suddenly Ryan’s thoughts just spill out of his mouth. It makes me laugh. He goes to the judges to see how they are and Paula looks much less like a show-dog this week. However, I think her crazy is inversely proportional to how big her hair is because the crazy? It’s baaaaaaack. Ryan asks her what the boys should do tonight to improve and she manages to string together, “Hey—have fun!” and clap like a seal. Let’s get to the actual performances, though, shall we? Tonight the boys are dedicating their songs to someone, which is just a cheap way to get sympathy for some of the less-likable ones. BOOOOOO, cheap ploys for my sympathy.
First up tonight is Phil, our resident Gollum. He wore a hat in the elimination show last week and he really needs to stick with wearing a hat. Either that, or start working on his “My preeeecious.” Tonight he dedicates his song to the Navy Band, which is nice. He decided to serve his country after 9/11 and I cannot make fun of that because I have so much respect for men and women of the armed forces. He sings “Missin’ You” by John Waite and it’s not bad. On the low stuff it gets a little breathy, like he can’t quite reach those notes. He really opens up on my favorite part of the song, “Stop this heartbreak overload, I ain’t missin’ you at all.” However, like last week, he cannot continue to start off a song so-so and then blow it out at the end and expect that to keep saving him. Randy loved it, Paula says she can hear him on the radio. Now, we can only speculate as to whether she means in the future or that she can actually hear him on the radio at this very moment. Could go either way. Simon agrees with me, he liked the end of the song but the rest was just okay. He does declare Phil safe, however. Phil gets a B. It would’ve been higher if the rest of the song had matched the awesomeness of the ending.
Side note: we keep cutting away to Jeff Foxworthy. Gross. That schtick has sailed. The might-be-a-git-r-done-here’s-your-redneck-tater-salad-sign stuff is over and I have no interest in the TV show that proves that an average adult living in the U.S. would lose a political debate with my lawn chair.
2nd performer tonight is Jared of the yucky Brian McKnight song last week. This week he dedicates his song to his parents (awwww) but he sings Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On” (ewwww). I really dig his suit, but he’s wearing white tennis shoes so he kind of looks like the day Coaches for Cancer makes all the basketball coaches wear tennis shoes. Also, his feet are HUGE. They are like skis or snowshoes poking out from under his suit! At the end, he drags his hand down over his face, which really creeps me out. Oh, how did he sound? Alright.
Randy: loved the hand down the face thing. So Randy imitates it and we get the single greatest moment in American Idol judges history when Paula looks completely horrified and Randy goes, “You didn’t like the face thing?” and Paula, with perfect comedic timing, goes, “Maybe when Jared does it.” Seriously, it was hilarious. Simon starts cracking up. He also says it was a bit corny, like something you’d see on Love Boat to which Jared replies, “That would’ve been a great Love Boat.” He’s adorable. Then Ryan bops into the frame and goes, “The things we’ve all done to that song.” OH. MY. GOD. American Idol has gone completely off the rails this week and I don’t need to hear about Ryan’s faux-hetero lifestyle. Jared gets a B-.
Next up we have Apollo Adama….I mean AJ, but for real his DAD IS EDWARD JAMES OLMOS! (I’m going to say that every time until AJ gets eliminated, which may be soon). He sings Feelin’ Good by Michael Buble and I have to say I wasn’t feeling it. It sounds like stripper music, like Rita Hayworth should be peeling off a glove to this music. And that’s fine, but it’s kind of gross when tiny AJ is bopping around to it. His last “feelin’ good” of the song was very nice, it gave me goosebumps.
Randy: says it’s better than last week
Paula: gives props to the band, then remembers what show this is and says she loved seeing the change in AJ
Simon: said that it was different and we saw some personality and that it was nearly very good. For me, it was okay. AJ gets a B.
Oh holy hell. Up next is Sanjaya (who I believe all last week I called “Sunjaya” and for that I apologize). He dedicates his song to his Grandpa, which is nice, but gramps died when Sanjaya was 5 years old and I barely remember 4th grade, so I call bullshit. Anyway, that turns out to be the best part of this mess because he comes out dressed pretty sharply (except for a necklace that you could use to signal planes for landing) and then he starts singing the World’s Most Boring Version of a Not Terribly Exciting Song to Begin With in Steppin’ Out. You know that song, it’s the one Tony Bennet snaps and talks his way through with very little actual singing. And for real, I’m having flashbacks to junior high when my girls’ choir did this for the Holmes Jr. High Variety Show. It involved plastic hats and wooden canes and bad choreography. And lo and behold, Randy calls it a bad high school talent show and weak. Paula tells him to pick something more youthful and Simon hated it. Also, by this point Sanjaya is about to cry and has a creepy Michael Jackson voice happening and this whole mess is disgusting. Sanjaya gets a C-.
Chris Sligh is up next and HOLY SHIT, HE’S MARRIED? He’s like 15! Well, actually he’s in his late 20s but he seems like a sophomore in high school. Also his wife is really pretty but he addresses the fact that he can’t believe he snagged such a hot chick, so that’s some good self-awareness from Chris. He sings Trouble by Ray LaMontagne and, frankly, I’m bored. He also sounds a little like a sheep on some notes. However, when I played it back and just listened with my eyes closed, it was much better than I originally thought. I really think part of this guy’s problem is that he’s a chubby curly-haired dude who has no idea how to move around and work the stage and so his performances are fairly painfully to watch. The judges all love him and I am sad that Simon and I disagree, but every couple has fights. Chris gets a B.
Up next we have Nick, who I personally like a lot. I’m worried about him this week, but hopefully he’ll make it. He dedicates his song to his girlfriend and sings “Fever.” Woo woo, nice tone on this guy. DRUMMER! They keep cutting away to the drummer, which keeps cracking me up. I rewatched this performance like 10 times because the drummer is hilariously stealing the show. The camera catches Simon snapping along, which is awesome too. I’ve decided Nick Pedro should be fronting a swing band, like the Royal Crown Revue or Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. The judges agreed that it was good and smokey and the Nick we liked (as opposed to Richard Marx-Nick) and Simon says we need to work on his charisma, which is true. Also, he’s dressed wrongly. He should’ve been dressed in Sanjaya’s outfit. Nick gets a B+.
Blake comes out next with Virtual Insanity and I am fearful that this is going to be awful. However, it’s not bad. The beginning is very much like the original, the middle beat-boxing part is awesome (seriously, this kid amazes me when he does that) and then he runs out of somewhere to go at the end and I almost feel like the ending should’ve had the band all do the thing where they sort of “deflate” and the notes go all sour and fade out. You know what I mean? Anyway, Randy loved it, especially because of the high degree of difficulty, which I will give him. Paula claps like a drunken fool and calls him unique. Simon disagrees and says the first part was copycat, the second part was great and then the ending was awful. Simon and I are back together again. The judges go completely bat-shit off the rails and Paula gets her second funny moment of the night when she yells, “Blake, run for your life!” Then Ryan comes up and messes up his words and he and Blake do this beat-boxey thing that is awesome and cute and I want them to be BFF. To be fair, Blake gets a A on the middle part of the song and a B- on the rest of it, which averages out to be a B.
Next up we have adorable Brandon dedicating his song to his Grandma. Awww. He sings Time After Time, but he does the entire thing slow. If you’re gonna do this song, you gotta take a page from Nadia Turner and open it up in the middle. Also, Brandon and Nadia should totally have babies, they would be beeeyootiful. Anyway, this sounds nice because I really like Brandon’s voice, but the whole thing is unbelievably boring. But he’s so pretty.
Randy: says it didn’t do enough for him vocally, which is totally true and Randy is very right on this week. Brandon argues that he put his heart into it and that he thought it didn’t need all the vocal acrobatics, which is a decent response.
Paula: arp arp arp [seal clap]
Simon: He says Brandon needs to bring it and show off his voice and that he’s glad Brandon put his heart into it, but that it didn’t do him any favors. When the judges and audience start to attack him, he proclaims that he loves grandmas and he’d like to wish his mother a happy birthday in November and that he loves puppies. You know what I love? Simon. I watched this part over and over and just laughed and laughed. Brandon gets a B for Boring.
We’re back with Chris Richardson doing another Grandma dedication. He sings Geek in the Pink by Jason Mraz, a song with which I am not familiar. My notes say: Wow, this is good. It’s fast and tricky, but I can totally understand him. That was cute and at least different. My only criticism is to hold the mic closer to his mouth because with all his bopping around (which is great) at times it was hard to hear him.
Randy: proclaims it better than the original. I’ve never heard the original, so……I AGREE!
Paula: liked it
Simon: best tonight by a mile.
When Ryan comes up on stage, I realize that while I thought Chris was pocket-sized, it turns out I was wrong. He positively TOWERS over Seacrest. He could pick Seacrest up while saying, “Don’t worry little villager, I will not harm you.” Anyway, Chris gets a B+.
Finally, Sundance gets the Pimp Spot this week, so clearly the show wants him to do well because all they had to do was stick him somewhere in the middle and he would have totally been gone this week. He dedicates his song to his son, who was just born a few months ago. He comes out singing Mustang Sally, a song I LOVE. Seriously, this is one of the songs that plays in my head sometimes when I need theme music. This was really fun, I enjoyed it immensely. All the judges loved it. Sundance gets an A-.
Recap: Phil sounded a lot like John Waite only a little country, Jared being pretty good, AJ bringin’ it at the end, Sanjaya being hideous, Chris Sligh meh, Nick smooth, Blake so cute, Brandon being so weird and staring right into my soul, Chris sounding awesome, Sundance rocking it out.
Who should go home? SANJAYA and who else? AJ maybe, Chris Sligh, Brandon, Jared and Nick weren’t great but they need to stay because I like them. I would send home Sanjaya and AJ, but I don’t get to decide.
At the end, what does Paula do?
Paula: TOUCHDOWN!
