Previously, there was sign-building and mail-sorting and it was about as exciting as the UCLA-Indiana game on Saturday. Amber and Rob went home and, like them or not, that will make the show a little duller. I guess Rob really isn’t Jesus, because Jesus would’ve had that letter like nothing.
My viewing party this week is made up of not only Courtney, whom you all know and love by now, but also Kat and Megan. We’re on my bed like a big pile of puppies. Also, we watched last week’s episode first because they were all gone on spring break and hadn’t seen it. Right at the moment Charla falls down on the way to the pitstop, Courtney yells out, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” and I go, “I FELL DOWN!” It’s nice not to be alone this week. Finally, before this week’s show we all agreed this has to be a non-elimination week because they haven’t had one yet. Therefore, throughout the show we are either cheering for or against a non-elimination based on which team is in last place. It is very John Kerry of us.
To kick it off tonight, the racers leave the pitstop. There is 2 hrs and 40 minutes between team 1 and team 7, which is a decent-sized gap. However, they are sent to the base of a mountain where they will ride a chairlift to the top, hike ½ a mile and then use an avalanche beacon to locate a clue buried in the snow. It’s an awesome concept, but the ski lift doesn’t open until 8 am and all the teams get bunched together. Blech. I hate that.
Noteworthy things before the avalanche beacon search:
–Mirna claims the other teams were happy that they were the ones to beat Rob/Amber. Hmmmm…..I don’t think that’s necessarily the case, shrew.
–the Guidos say they are the kinder, gentler Guidos and hope to limp to the front of the pack.
–Charla says they’ll be popsicles by the time they get to the glacier and that someone will have to suck them. So, now that I’m Helen Keller, what was the sign for water again?
–As they wait for the chairlift, the two old teams (Teri/Ian and Guidos) discuss their underwear and I can’t even be grossed out after the popsicle comment. If the Guidos want to wear embroidered thongs, I say more power to ‘em.
In another stunning display, Beauty & the Barbaro take off down the path towards the glacier. They arrive and go, “Where’s our beacon?” Well, maybe you have to look for it while white water rafting, you doofs. They hoof it back down the mountain to get their gear. Everybody else starts trying to locate their clues with the avalanche beacons, which (as near as I can figure) tell you how many meters or yards to go and in what direction. When the meter number gets near zero, you dig.
Guidos find their beacon first and are instructed to fly to Maputo, Mozambique. The teams are supplied with a set of tickets that gets them to Maputo at 3 pm, just in case they can’t find anything else. I imagine this is because flights from The End of the Earth to Mozambique are not terribly common.
As they pass the Beauty Queens on their way back down to the gear, Mirna and Charla take the time to call them “not that smart.” Now, I’ll admit the BQs need to read their clues more carefully, but this is coming from the girl who last week was duped by Boston Rob and Boston Amber. Please.
Everybody finds their clue and takes off. Joyce asks Uchenna if Mozambique is in Africa and then she says, “Back to the Motherland!” Girl, you don’t get to say that if you need to be told it’s in Africa first. Eric and Dani have a similar conversation, when she says, “What city is that?” and when told it’s in Africa, she chirps, “Oh, Africa! FUN!” She just…sigh. Yeah, Danielle, when I think of “FUN!” I totally think of a war-torn, poverty and Aids-stricken place. I know she’s probably just excited about traveling to a new place, since I’m sure everybody was starting to think, “So, Amazing Producers, when do we get to leave Chile/Argentina? Because I’m ready to do something else” but she just sounds so stupid.
Anyway, they try to create suspense by indicating not everybody will get on the same flight, but in the end everybody does and arrives in Mozambique at 9:40 am on…..whatever day they would land there. It’s a long journey, I have no idea. At the airport, the Guidos hit up the Gio cologne at the Duty Free Shop. I really wanted them to sing, “I like to stop at the Duty Free Shop,” but alas, they did not.
Upon arrival in Maputo, they are sent to the Apopo Training Field. This is a company that trains big rats to sniff out landmines. The Roadblock has one team member guiding a rat in a search for a race marker that is buried under a deactivated mine. This leg is like Buried Treasure, All the Time. Maybe the Detour will involve being buried alive and one team won’t make it. (I’ll let you guess which one I’m hoping for). Also, as Phil explains the Roadblock he is petting a giant rat and we are all screaming to him to put it down. I also share the true story of how my mom is afraid of mice and rats because when she was little on the farm, the kids got paid $.05 per rat that they killed with a croquet mallet after the mice ran out from the corn crib. My viewing party is sufficiently traumatized.
The Guidos get started first with their rat, Nelson. They put a little harness on him and then Joe leads him around the search area, waiting for the rat to dig in the dirt. The digging indicates that the rat has found a mine. Oswald takes the Roadblock for his team and in our Shouldn’t Be Funny but Really, Really Is Moment says, “I’ll set you free after and I’ll take you to a nice lab, where they’ll apply make-up to you.” Awesome. Ian’s rat’s name is Tupac. I wish they had shared all the rats’ names. He also does an obligatory Cagney, “You dirty rat,” but it’s actually pretty good and pretty funny.
After the rat finds the race marker, the teams are sent to the City Center for their next clue. Guidos finish and take off, then Uchenna/Joyce, Ozzy/Danny and Teri/Ian all get done at the same time. A little farther behind are Eric/Dani and Beauty/Barbaro. Charla and Mirna are stuck with their rat quite a bit longer than the other teams and we all immediately start with, “Maybe it’s not a non-elimination leg! FINGERS CROSSED!”
The Guidos arrive at the plaza in the City Center and get their Detour. The two choices are Pamper and Porter. Pamper involves going to a crowded market and painting people’s fingernails until you’ve made 30 meticais (roughly $1 US). Side note: manicures are traditionally done by men in Mozambique. Porter involves filling 10 bags with 45 lbs of coal each, sewing them shut and then hauling one bag to a specified address. You’d think painting fingernails would be an obvious choice, but it turns out you’d be wrong.
Inexplicably, the Guidos and Oswald/Danny choose coal. For real, they have mentioned manicures at least 3 times on this race and they choose to haul coal? I can’t believe that! Uchenna/Joyce and Eric/Dani choose coal too. The BQs identify their correct calling and choose Pamper, as do Mirna/Charla. Teri and Ian actually choose coal, but get dropped off at the wrong place and end up doing the nails by default. All 3 nail-polishers finish ahead of the coalminers (man, Kentucky JUST MISSED the coal Detour) and really, nobody is surprised. When foreigners with a camera crew want to paint nails, they are not going to have any trouble finding customers.
Anyway, due to some mix-ups with the directions, Mirna and Charla get to the Pamper first and finish very quickly. They then finish at the pitstop, a fort in Maputo, and we all immediately go, “NON-ELIMINATION! IT HAS TO BE NON-ELIMINATION!” Also, Mirna and Charla win a trip to Aruba for finishing 1st and Courtney says, “I will never go to Aruba, lest they are there redeeming their prize.” Heh heh heh.
The Guidos and Ozzy/Danny are hauling coal and lamenting they did not choose fingernails. Well, no shit. They both finally finish filling their bags and hauling their one bag to the address with the clue. As they drive to the pitstop, Ozzy and Danny pass a rally for World Aids Day and Danny talks a little about his former partner died of Aids. It’s sad, but they don’t make a big deal out of it, just acknowledge that it happened, which is nice.
The BQs do Pamper and set up a nice little nail salon in the market. Kandice even does a little girl’s nails for free because she doesn’t have any money. It’s very sweet and I feel bad calling her Barbaro. She gets a reprieve for the rest of the show tonight. Teri and Ian get their Pamper done relatively quickly because they get 2 girls to pay them all 30 meticais for their manicures. That seems kind of insane because it took the other teams multiple customers to make that amount of money.
The coalminers are all getting extremely dirty, but the best part is that Gay Grandpa Joe has a total Hitler mustache. The Beauty Queens arrive in 2nd and Phil goes, “Pretty in pink in Mozambique.” Awww, HE LIIIIIIKES THEM! Teri and Ian are team #3.
Danielle and Eric are working on the chain gang and we all notice that Danielle is wearing skin-tight legging and a tiny little tanktop. Her boobs just cannot be contained. They are yearning to break free and it is scaring us. They are the last team to leave the Detour and we all revert to cheering for an elimination leg, because they are tap-dancing on our collective last nerve.
Oswald and Danny are on their way to the pitstop when Danny, with his coal-smudged face goes, “Do I look like Rambo?” Oswald looks him over and goes, “You look like a faggie raccoon.” We all howl with laughter. I really adore those two. They find the pitstop and Oswald spends a good 30 seconds chasing Phil around the yard trying to hug him with his coal-stained arms and body yelling, “C’mon! I want to hug you!” It’s pretty hilarious.
The Guidos and Eric/Danielle finally arrive at the pitstop and there is an actual footrace to the mat, the first we’ve seen so far this season. The Guidos pretty easily outrun Eric/Danielle and when they get to the mat Eric snots, “Dammit, Danielle!” Well, that’s lovely of course, but then he interviews, “The Guidos remind me of old women who are, like, past their prime. She got beat by a bunch of queens.” First of all, Eric is That Guy. He’s a spike-haired, “Colege” shirt wearin’ frat guy who needs to get smacked around a little. Second, has he seen Team Guido? They are ripped. They are in really good shape and losing to them in a footrace is nothing to be ashamed of. Thirdly, you can’t have it both ways Eric. You can’t love and comment on Dani’s boobs all the time, then scream at her when she doesn’t want to run and inflict black eyes upon herself. Finally, I’m sure we could find a bunch of queens who would love to beat you, pal. Ugh. Gross.
Uchenna and Joyce are last and we are all cheering for non-elimination and we are proven right. Uchenna and Joyce are still in it, with their penalty being that unless they come in 1st next leg, they will be assessed a 30-minute penalty where they just stand next to the mat and watch other teams check in. That’s a pretty bad penalty. I hope Charla and Mirna fall more than 30 minutes behind Uchenna and Joyce.
