We kick the night off with the stage parting like the Red Sea and Ryan Seacrest emerging from inside it. He is dressed like an encyclopedia salesman. Paula looks like she randomly threw on some clothes from the Good Will on her way to the theatre and she drunkenly cackles that the contestants should “shake off their nerves and picture Simon not dressed.” Uh, okay. Moving on, tonight’s theme is British Invasion Music, which totally rules. My personal faves are The Beatles, the Stones, The Dave Clark Five, Herman’s Hermits (really) and The Who. We see clips of Peter Noone helping the guys and Lulu (To Sir, With Love) jamming with the ladies and being completely fabulous.
Haley kicks things off tonight with a spot-on lesson of How to Be Sexy Without Being Skanky, Antonella. Lulu’s pre-performance advice is to be who she is and don’t worry that she doesn’t have one of the Big Voices, which is great advice. Then Haley starts her performance and a total Sex Bomb goes off. She is…..oh, about 80% naked and she has got legs that go AWL the way down to the ground. Holy crap. How was the singing, you ask? Sorry, I got a little distracted by all the Exposed Haley Skin. Well, she did “Tell Him” and it was actually pretty decent. I wish her voice was a little more growly, to really make the song match how she looked. Also, she’s so Beauty Queen-esque, especially at the end, that this was like Sassy meets Mannequin. Maybe if you put her magical hat back on, she’ll turn back into Haley the Mannequin, like on “Today’s Special.” The judges liked it, Simon calls her a “naughty little thing,” but since we were just told to think about Simon naked, that kinda creeps me out. Ryan also teases Simon about getting into trouble with his girlfriend. Yes, Ryan, I’m sure his comments towards Haley are really what will get him in trouble. Haley gets an A in Sassy, a B in singing, and a B+ overall.
Chris R is up next and he’s singing “Don’t Let the Sun Catch You Crying.” I LOVE THIS SONG. What am I saying? I love this whole theme tonight. Peter Noone says he wants to hear more of Chris’s voice and for him not to be so thin and breathy. You and me both, Peter. So Chris is rocking the Anthony Fedorov Stool ™ and has a guitar guy with him. He starts off strong and quiet and I type “Break it open!” Then I type, “Nice run, but sing it straight!” Finally, he blows it out a little and I want him to keep going, but he brings it down with falsetto at the end. Also, he gives a total Ace Young Creepy Sex Face right at the end, but he redeems it by cracking a smile, like even he can’t believe he was looking at us that way. This was his best performance so far. The judges praise his control and his being in-tune. Chris also admits he wanted to do runs all over the place, but held back because it sounds better when you sing it straight. YES, DOOFUS. That’s what I’ve been telling you. Chris gets a B+
Before we go to commercial, Ryan tells us Stephanie will be up next with some Dusty Springfield. True story: I immediately gasp, clasp my hands to my chest and go, “IS IT SON OF A PREACHER MAN? OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD.” Because I love that song. As it turns out, she’s doing “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me,” which is just as good. However, Stephanie better bring it because two seasons ago Nadia Turner fucking RULED this song and if Steph screws it up, I could see Nadia marching up from the audience to bitch-slap her. The song starts and I just LOVE the opening strains and the trumpets, it’s so dramatic! Then….something really weird happens. One of the front-runners, a girl who one week had the BEST performance, comes out and COMPLETELY shits her pants. She’s weak, she can’t sing through the end of her notes, she has strange affectations, what the hell is going on? Also, she’s dressed like a hooker, in an electric blue dress that is doing her no favors. This song was way too big for Stephanie, I did not like it. The judges aren’t crazy about it either; she lost her edge and was pitchy. Yep. Stephanie gets a C+.
They tell us Blake is doing The Zombies and I type, “I love ‘Tell Her No’ and ‘Time of the Season,’ but I bet it’s ‘She’s Not There.’” Turns out I was wrong. Blake does Time of the Season and it is a freakin’ mess. First, he is wearing so many layers that he looks like a hobo in Grandpa Pants. Second, this song is too slow for his vocal percussion and fun affectations. Third, at the part where the song goes, “it’s the time of the season for loving,” Blake is straining to hit the notes and making faces like someone is tugging on his balls. It’s called an Upper Register, Blake. A falsetto, if you will. USE IT! Finally, this song is so repetitive. He keeps asking me what my name is and who is my daddy? “Today we’re going to play “Who is My Daddy and What Does He Do?” WILL THIS EVER END??? Inexplicably, the judges go apeshit. Blake gets a B-.
Lakisha comes out and sings “Diamonds are Forever.” A Bond Girl, she is not. Also, on the lower stuff? She does this weird thing with her voice and sounds like Ethel Merman. WTF? Actually, there’s one episode of “Whose Line” where Wayne Brady sings Songs of the International Spy and he has to do “Blofeld on My Mind” in the style of Ethel Merman, so it was a little like that. I just didn’t love it. She’s still good, but this is the second week in a row that Lakisha has been blah and considering what Jordin Sparks does later, I am bumping Lakisha from my top 2. The judges think it was just alright. Lakisha gets a B+.
Gollum comes out singing “Tobacco Road,” a song I was unaware was British Invasion. Anyway, I have memories of Bucky Covington (I know!) doing really well on this song in a Group Sing last season, because Bucky had a very rough, gravelly voice. Phil does not have that. Just like Haley, I want my Idol with a side of grits. He gets completely upstaged by the guitar (even the camera cuts to the guitar guy, but that could be just to get away from Creepy Phil) and he’s not doing very well on the high notes, which is unusual. The two highlights are 1) when Phil comes out to start the song, he raises an arm in the air as if to shout “HELLO CLEVELAND!” and 2) on the last note, he squats in such a way that I expect him to take a giant dump right there on the American Idol seal. Which would actually be the most AMAZING thing to ever happen in the history of everything. Simon agrees with me, it wasn’t anything special and he also uses the word “grit.” Phil gets a C+.
Now it’s time for the performance of the night. Jordin comes out and sings and PERFORMS the hell out of “I Who Have Nothing.” She gives me goosebumps no less than 3 times. The build-up to the quiet “I love you,” then the re-build to the BIG “I love you!” SO GOOD! I just don’t have the words for how much I enjoyed this, best of the night. The judges loved it too, though Simon talks about how it’s so gloomy. It is, but Jordin acted the hell out of this song. A+.
Okay, now we get to the weird part of the night. And on a show full of The Weird, that is saying something. Sanjaya comes out and basically runs around and screams and slurs “You Really Got Me” by The Kinks. I am alternately horrified and fascinated, because at least this week HE DID SOMETHING INTERESTING. However, I am completely distracted by this 11 year-old Crying Girl in the audience. I mean, I can’t even explain this to you if you didn’t watch the show. I tried to include some pictures here to help you out, but it was really like all these pictures rolled into one and adding Adam Morrison crying. The camera KEEPS GOING BACK to this not-cute 
little girl who is full-on bawling. GIRL! It’s not The Actual Beatles, it’s American Idol. This is gross. STOP SHOWING HER! And I figure, at least if Sanjaya is going to go down, he’ll go down in a “So Horrendous It’s Awesome” blaze of glory. However, this will probably keep him around! GAH! The best part of the performance is that his mom and sister are rocking these sparkly Sanjaya shirts that definitely give the tatas room to breathe, that rules. Sanjaya gets a C+, because he wasn’t any worse than Stephanie or Phil.
Next up is Gina and she sings “Paint it Black” and totally rocks it. The judges don’t love it, but I don’t care. She’s growly and a great performer and I love her counter-melody on “No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue. I could not foresee this thing happening to you.” Also, I’ve heard that Gina has been getting panned by bloggers who think she’s androgynous or something. Well, THIS blogger thinks Gina is fun and hot. Don’t you listen to ‘em, Gina. Gina also reminds me a little of Cher and then I type, “SHE SHOULD SING ‘IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME!’” That would be awesome. Gina gets a B+.
Continuing with our theme of Opposite Day that I just cannot understand or explain, Chris Sligh sings The Zombies’ “She’s Not There” and I really like it. Especially with my eyes closed. But not because he’s ugly because the glasses are back and he no longer is Arnold Horshack Meatloaf. What is hard to watch is his traipsing through the audience before he gets up onstage. He is randomly reaching out to touch people, but not looking at them. It’s so impersonal! Either interact with them or don’t, dude. Don’t just be a Random Groper Poser guy; you’re like a freaky politician. However, the actual singing is great, I really like this song on him. The other highlight is that when Chris is meandering through the crowd, I think I totally saw Chloris Leachman rocking out in the background (she’s in red and has her Facts of Life hair, seriously). The judges liked it and Chris gets a A-.
Melinda comes out and of course does a wonderful job. I did not notice until tonight how much she really does sound like Gladys Knight. She sings “As Long as He Needs Me,” which is another Nadia Turner song from season 4. However, this time I have no fear of an Angry Nadia charging up from the audience. Melinda sounds beautiful, as always, and looks a ton better this week. She got rid of the tight, high-waisted dresses that make her 
look like a Weeble. In the middle of the performance, they cut back to the Girl and I type, “OH GOD, STOP SHOWING THAT STUPID CRYING SNOT-STAIN!” The judges think they saved the best for last, but I think if Jordin and Melinda’s order had been flip-flopped, they would’ve said that about Jordin. Melinda gets an A.
Recap: Haley being a sex bomb, Chris R sounding more nasally than I remember, Stephanie needing to be bigger with this song and off-pitch, Blake kinda skeazing me out (I’m not telling you who my daddy is, perv), Lakisha breaking out the Ethel Merman voice a little, Phil doing the whitest version of Tobacco Road ever, Jordin having the best of the night, in my opinion, Sanjaya giving me the FUCKING CREEPS, is he drunk?, Gina totally sassified, Chris S actually not annoying me and singing a song I enjoy, Melinda’s Big Finish.
Who should go? Well, Sanjaya should go because he’s the weakest overall, but based on this week’s performances, Stephanie and Phil are in trouble. And then, right before we fade to black: FREAKY CRYING GIRL COMES ONSTAGE, JESUS CHRIST ON A CRUTCH! What the fuck???
