We kick it off tonight with Ryan going, “The results are IN. Is your favorite OUT?” Oh, the lovely turn of phrase. That’s quite the wordsmith you are, Seacrest. Also, Paula is draped in a spider web and we get a 5 minute recap of last night’s performances. Last week, Brandon didn’t get a sing out! Chop, chop Show! Incidentally, the Crying Girl is nowhere to be seen tonight (thank Christ), so here’s an actual picture of her, rather than random crying little girls from Yahoo! image search.
Peter Noone comes out and sings Herman’s Hermits’ hit “There’s a Kind of Hush,” a song I happen to like. However, he is dressed in an ugly blue paisley-patterned satin jacket and his singing is horrendous. This is worse than Zombie Diana Ross. What’s Left of Peter Noone cannot hold What’s Left of Diana Ross’s jock strap. I type, “If Lulu doesn’t come out and rock ‘To Sir, With Love,’ I’m gonna be pissed.”
The Let’s Pimp a Ford Commercial is set to the tune of “Another Saturday Night” (ANOTHER great song!) and it is at a laundromat. It is actually really cute. They shut dryer doors and play in the suds and it’s awesome. Also, no one’s clothes get turned pink like jammies, so that’s a step up on 1st Season Rachel.
Finally, it’s time for some results. Brad Garrett is sitting between Gina and Chris R and looks ready to impale himself on a mic stand. However, maybe he just didn’t know the camera was on him, because he gets “eliminated” first and Blake tries to comfort him and Garrett acts totally pissed and storms offstage, so that was kinda funny. Seacrest has groups of 3 stand up, but it doesn’t matter because all 3 groups of 3 are safe, leaving Stephanie and Chris Richardson in the bottom two. QUITE FRANKLY this surprised me a little bit. I didn’t like Stephanie this week, but she’s such a strong singer. Chris Richardson gave his best performance to date, so that’s a bummer. Now he’ll read Bottom 2 as meaning Go Back to Bopping Around Like a Shit-zu on Crack and Singing Songs from the Justin Timberlake Oeuvre. Blech. Oh, did I spoil it? Stephanie goes home. That’s a damn shame because we ALL know Phil and Sanjaya are not only King and Queen of the Heebie-Jeebies, but they also are like Wal-Mart to Stephanie’s Saks 5th Avenue. Hmmm….they are like McDonalds Hamburgers compared to Stephanie’s Prime Rib? They are like The Doom Generation to Stephanie’s Citizen Kane? You guys smell what Lady Andrea is cooking, right?
However, before the last 30 seconds where Seacrest might as well have taken my advice and just announced Stephanie’s name and then kicked her right into the front row for all the attention that is given her send-off, we get to hear LULU SING “TO SIR, WITH LOVE!” WOO! I love this song. The used car dealership where I used to be a receptionist had satellite radio of 50s & 60s music piped in. On Saturdays I was the only office girl there, answering phones and dealing with visits to my window by salesmen old enough to be my dad, and one Saturday I had my back to window because I was making copies and I totally got caught singing, “But how do you THANK SOMEONE who has taken you from CRAYONS TO PERFUME?” very, very loudly. Anyway, it’s a great song.
Unfortunately, Lulu seems to be having trouble with her ear monitor and it is unclear whether she can hear the accompaniment at all. She also looks like an extra from The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, but it works. Or maybe we should all wait for her to go, “Tell me about it…..stud.” and put out her cigarette with her high heel. She gives it her best and there are parts I enjoy. The last note is rough; it’s almost as bad as Dionne Warwick’s death rattle from last season. That was fucking terrifying. I thought she was gonna die right on stage. Anyway, Lulu totally kicked Herman’s Hermits’ Remains’ ass.
Also, the American Idol challenge has Vonzell as a choice this week. I forgot how friggin’ pretty that girl was. Do you remember when they’d show her driving her mail truck? That was SO CUTE. Awwww.
And finally, the last 12 seconds of airtime Stephanie goes home and she cries and tries to smile through her crying, which is sad. Also, she’s got a pretty cry face. She does not look like an effing Horror Movie Villain, like the Crying Girl last night. Shiver. Bummer for Steph. However, I partially blame this on the fact that before the Top 24 we barely saw Stephanie. She had no following and therefore a bad week left her high and dry. SANJAYA on the other hand has had EXPOSURE UP THE ASS and therefore has a Creepy Crying Cult of 11 year-old Girls (supposedly Crying Girl is 13 but there’s no way. I did not look like that at 13).
PS: Over the “Video Journey” of the booted Idol, they play Chris Daughtry’s song “Home.” (I refuse to call him “Daughtry.” He’s not Cher). Here’s a sample lyric: “I don’t regret this life I chose for me. But these places and these faces are getting old, so I’m going home. Well I’m going home.” It’s a lot more tolerable if you imagine he’s carrying a bananahammock-wearing Seacrest over his shoulder while climbing the American Idol set.
