Previously, there were giant rats, there was coal-hauling and freakin’ Charla and Mirna finished first. Uchenna and Joyce finished last, but it was non-elimination, which means in this coming leg if they don’t finish 1st, they incur a 30-minute penalty. That will turn out to not matter. At all. By a significant margin.
In Mozambique, all the teams take off within 90 minutes of each other. They are instructed to fly to Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania then take a dhow (traditional sailing boat) to the island of Zanzibar. COOL! Everybody sing: “What’s your favorite dish? I’m not gonna cook it, but I’ll order it from Zanzibar!”
I’m gonna skip all the rigamarole of the teams leaving because we need to get to the airport shenanigans. There is an 8:30 am flight to Dar es Salaam. Most of the teams head for a hotel to pass the time, since it’s (on average) 10:30 pm right now. Teri/Ian and the Guidos stay in the airport. They are indeed first in line in the morning, but the 8:30 am flight is full, everybody gets put on standby. Mirna/Charla, however, find out there is a 7 am flight to Johannesburg but that the connecting flight to Dar es Salaam is full. Their thinking is that Jo-burg is a bigger airport than Maputo, Mozambique and therefore it’s a risk they decide to take. I have to say, I think this was gutsy, especially because NO OTHER teams follow them and I commend them for taking a risk. There, I said something nice about Charla and Mirna.
In the airport, nobody from standby gets on the 8:30 flight, so they are sent to South African Airlines that opens at 9:45 am. Meanwhile, in Jo-burg…..Mirna and Charla make a new friend named Christo who helps them. Mirna makes them all hold hands and pray because she’s a total nutjob. In an interview, they talk about how weird it was for them. Wait, what? You made that guy hold hands and pray with you, not the other way around, crazies. THEN the SCARIEST thing I’ve ever seen happens. At the ticket counter in Jo-burg, Mirna is talking to the agent about getting a spot on the connecting flight to Dar es Salaam when all of a sudden Charla has come around the counter to the place where your bags would sit to get their stickers put on them and she pokes her freaky little face in the space and leers at the ticket agent. Courtney and I actually scream a little out loud. It’s like something out of a funhouse, where the scary midget carnie leers at you before you can leave. GAH!
Meanwhile, back at the neverending search for flights, Eric notices that a door in the upstairs part of the South African Airlines counter is open so they head up there, along with Uchenna/Joyce, Beauty/Barbaro and Oswald/Danny. The Guidos and Ian have some pretty famous last words as Joe says, “They’re just doing something to be doing something. We need to stay here.” And Ian goes, “Standing in line is the thing to do.”
All the teams end up on a flight that leaves at 11:45 am for Jo-burg and they are all on standby for the connecting flight to Dar es Salaam. They are only leaving the airport 12 hours after they left the pitstop, incidentally. In Jo-burg, the 4 teams who went up to the airline office get spots on the plane and the two old grumpy teams do not. And they of course handle it with all the grace and dignity you would maybe expect from someone of that age. They totally go apeshit and snot at the ticket agent, “Well, what can you do for us now?”, as if the ticket agent’s personal mission in life is to make things convenient for Teri/Ian and the Guidos.
In kind of a weird twist, Eric and Danielle are in the plane, buckled into their seats and then a gate agent comes and tells them they have to leave because they got somebody else’s spot on the plane. Danielle starts to have a little fit, going, “Are you kidding me? We’re sitting on the plane.” Sweetheart, do not fuck around with airport people. You’re from New York, you know better than that. After they are off the plane, she really gets revved up and Eric has to talk her down from the ledge. To make up for the inconvenience, the ticket agent puts them on priority standby for a flight that leaves at 9:55 am. THE NEXT DAY! 36 hours after they left the pitstop! However, at least they get on that flight. The Guidos and Teri/Ian are not so lucky, they get on a flight that leaves at noon, 38 hours. This is insane, I have never seen anything like it before on this show. The teams are SO spread out.
Meanwhile, Charla and Mirna have completed all the steps and are back home on Long Island sipping margaritas. Not really, but they are SO far ahead. However, they reach the dock where the dhows are but because of bad weather they can’t leave until 5:30 am. I have to say, I wouldn’t be that upset. Those boats are kind of rickety-looking and the journey appears to take a really long time. Safety first, that’s my motto.
The Beauty Queens, Uchenna/Joyce and Ozzy/Danny arrive and at the ferry dock, O/D get the last #1 ticket. So they are leaving at 5:30 am with Charla and Mirna. The BQs and U/J are on the 8:30 am boat. This is getting ridiculous, the amount of time between Charla/Mirna/Ozzy/Danny then Uchenna/Joyce/Beauty/Barbaro then Eric/Dani then Guidos/Teri/Ian. This isn’t even enjoyable as a leg because they are so spread out. We’re halfway through the episode and nobody has done the Detour or the Roadblock yet!
At 4:30 am Oswald and Danny are on the dock and they are pretending to be dockyard hookers, which I find funny because it’s the kind of joke I would do. “Hey there sailor” etc, etc. Mirna doesn’t get the joke, though, because she is weird and awkward. They go sailing off as the sunrises and it’s really beautiful. Mirna comments that it’s like ancient times and Oswald says to the girls, “We are going to trade you for food now” and Mirna goes, “As long as I get some of the food.” She just…..does not have a good sense of humor.
Back in the land of perpetual airports, Eric and Danielle construct a line out of the posts in the airport, just so they can make Teri/Ian and the Guidos get in line behind them. Because we’re all children. But then Ian is just as bad because he doesn’t want to get in line, he wants to jump ahead of Eric and Danielle. Sigh. This airport is so thrilling, I need a break. This is like Die Hard 2 and Airport ‘75 all rolled into one.
Back on the dhow of Beauty Queens and Uchenna, he goes, “500 years ago they took the slaves on this very same path, ladies. Now it’s your turn.” You know what dude? If you have something interesting to say, it’d be a lot better if you didn’t come across like a smarmy, self-important jackass. I think it was the “ladies” that did it for me. And he definitely did not say, “500 years ago they took the slaves on this very same path……..ladies.” Also, what is going on with this leg? The Guidos and Teri/Ian and Uchenna are all driving me bonkers and Mirna and Charla are not too bad. My world is all askew.
Perpetual Airports: Eric/Dani are on the 9:55 am flight, Teri/Ian and the Guidos are on the noon flight. We are still 38 hours from leaving the pitstop. I clap my hands and squeal with glee.
On Dhow #1, Charla is barfing over the side of the boat and Mirna is lounging like a pin-up girl. It’s so weird. Oswald puts a cold compress on the back of Charla’s neck, which is like something very basic to do for someone who is sick to their stomach. Everybody knows this, right? But Charla comments Oswald and Danny are like doctors. Uh, not so much. She’s closer than Mirna, however, who comments, “You know a lot of beauty tips.” HUH? I mean, I’ll admit that they probably do know a lot of beauty tips. This, however, is not a beauty tip. It’s like basic First Aid, which is what Oswald tells her. It’s not like Oswald was french-braiding Charla’s hair and fashioning eye cream out of a papaya while she was projectile vomiting into the sea.
Finally, FINALLY, somebody gets to a task. Mirna/Charla and Ozzy/Danny get to the Detour, Solve It or Schlep It. They can either solve a big puzzle or haul two heavy logs for over a mile. They all choose puzzle. Me too, guys.
Back on Dhow #2 (I feel like I am recapping 3 different shows in one), Uchenna uses a funny pirate voice and goes, “Yes, my great-grandfather was a pirate!” The Beauty Queens tease Joyce about where she got Uchenna and that once they get to Zanzibar, she’s trading him in. It’s cute. Okay, I’m back to liking Uchenna again.
Ozzy/Danny finish their puzzle and are sent to the Kikungwi village, which some locals tell them is “bush country.” Not to be confused with the U.S., which is also “Bush Country.” Unfortunately, we do not get to throw giant heavy wooden tools at our Bush (you’ll see). On the way, the boys stop for fruit. They say that all the time on the water and in the sun have made them really dehydrated, which makes sense. Mirna and Charla pass them, however. They arrive just ahead of Ozzy/Danny at the Roadblock. The Roadblock involves one team member throwing a giant wooden weapon called a Rungu 65 feet at a clay target. When they smash and break the target, their clue falls out. We also get a great Phil Eyebrow Cock when he explains the weapon. Hee hee, I love Phil. Suck on it, Jeff Probst, you smarmy bastard.
Mirna and Danny do it and the former employs the “get a huge running start, then HEAVE” technique, while Danny is kind of winging the weapon sideways. Mirna gets hers first and does a cartwheel. Man, if I didn’t hate these two so much, I’d love them. They are being pretty delightful on this leg. They head for the pitstop and on the way, Mirna puts on make-up and takes her hair down. Oh dear. Somebody lurves Phil. Mirna/Charla are team number one and the following great exchange takes place:
Phil: You are team #1.
M/C: WOOOOOO!
Phil: As a prize for winning this leg of the race, you’ll both receive 12-ft catamarans.
M/C: [faces fall] Huh? What is that?
Phil: Sailing boats.
M/C: YAY! WOOOOOO!
It was a lot funnier than I could make it sound here, but I enjoyed it immensely. Ozzy/Danny are team #2. So two teams have checked in just as Uchenna and Joyce arrive at the Detour, if the editing is to be believed, which I think it is. U/J choose Puzzle and the BQs (surprisingly enough) choose Schlep It (or “schelp it,” as they say). I wonder if the BQs would’ve picked this one if they knew later on one of them would have to continuously heave a heavy wooden weapon 65 feet? And of course, there is a slo-mo shot of the sweaty Beauty Queens running with their hand cart. It’s very Baywatch and I shake my head at the editors. I expect better, Amazing Editors. However, when the BQs are done and get in a taxi to head to the village, they are dripping with sweat. Wow.
Meanwhile, in Boring Town of Being Far Behind, Eric and Danielle get on a dhow. Finally, Teri and Ian and the Guidos arrive in Dar es Salaam and get a dhow that leaves at 8 pm. So, 46 hours into the leg, they have yet to do either the Detour or the Roadblock. I am just marveling at the sheer madness of this leg.
At the Roadblock, Uchenna and Joyce (finishing their puzzle before the BQs are done with the wood hauling) get to the village and Uchenna takes the roadblock. He gets it fairly quickly (or else we spent so much time with Airport Drama that they edit it to make it look like it took him about 3 throws) and after he gets the clue, he jumps around with the tribesmen, which is pretty cute. They take off for the pitstop. Beauty arrives with her faithful steed and takes the Roadblock. Beauty’s strategy seems to be aiming the weapon at the stick the target is on until the mask falls off and breaks on the ground. Good strategy. They take off for the pitstop.
Eric and Danielle do the puzzle. I jump around with excitement.
Uchenna and Joyce are team #3, but they have to stand off to the side and wait for 30 minutes because of their penalty from the non-elimination leg last week. In some seasons, I have seen a team stand there while team after team checks in before they can and then the penalized team ends up going home. However, in the Leg of Perpetual Sadness, nobody comes while U/J wait and they are still Team #3. The Beauty Queens check in and are Team #4. Inexplicably Danielle does the Roadblock (maybe her boobs give her extra heaving power) and she takes a cue from Beauty and hits the post until the mask falls on the ground and breaks. They are Team #5. If the editing is to be believed (which I think generally it is, unless they are trying to make the end of the leg appear close) Team #5 is checking in with Phil as Teri/Ian and the Guidos get to the Detour clue. Holy balls. They both choose puzzle. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t their Dhow Cruise leave at 8:00 pm? But while they do the puzzle, you can see it getting light outside the window. I repeat, HOLY BALLS! Even if the sun rises at, say, 5 am, that is still a long-ass boat ride. No wonder Charla was puking.
The puzzle, incidentally, proves to be Teri and Ian’s undoing. They are slow and very inefficient and the Guidos get a lead that they never relinquish. Bill throws the wooden weapon and they are off for the pitstop. In a nice acknowledgement of Ian, when the Guidos get stuck in traffic, they do comment that they still need to hurry because “you know Ian’s gonna get it.” I like that they know Ian may get the target smashed fairly quickly. The Guidos check in as Team #6, and if we assume it’s early morning (say, 7 am) that means this leg took them 57 hours to complete. That must be some kind of record. At least this time, they got to finish the leg and weren’t just left to freeze to death on a dogsled in Alaska, like last time.
Ian does complete the Roadblock, so good for him. I hate it when people give up. However, they can’t catch up ,and Ian and Teri go home. My fingers hurt, this was a freakin’ long recap.
Next week? It’s a 2-hour Amazing Race Extravaganza.
