American Idol: Tangentially-related to Gwen Stefani. Maybe.

It’s Gwen Stefani night here on American Idol and I must say that while I find Gwen Stefani to be cute and pretty awesome, I’m not a huge fan of her music. I type, “If 12 Diana Ross songs were hard to come by, 10 Gwen Stefani songs is really pushing it.” But then it turns out the theme is actually “Sing Anything Fox Can Cheaply Get the Rights To and We’ll Pretend It’s by an Artist Who ‘Influenced’ Gwen Stefani and/or No Doubt.” That’s a bitch to type out, though, so I’ll be using the acronym: SAFCCGTRTAWPIBAAWIGSAOND. I cannot believe Gwen Stefani is a part of this. Is she hard up for cash? Anyway, Ryan kicks things off from the back of the theatre, then after we watch the short little Creepy Blue Man Idol intro, he suddenly walks onto the stage. This is like The Prestige. I was going to make a funny Prestige joke here about Seacrest but I realized it was kind of spoiler-y, so I’ll just leave those of you who have seen it to imagine a joke and those of you who have not seen it to feel jealous about not being at the Cool Kids’ Table.

Lakisha kicks off our theme (SAFCCGTRTAWPIBAAWIGSAOND) with an artist that surely had a huge influence over No Doubt: Donna Summer. (Side note: I’ll not be mentioning much of Gwen’s pre-performance “coaching” because most of it is unnecessary. She’s not a vocal coach, she’s like if Joan Jett and Jessica Simpson had a kid). So Lakisha starts singing “Last Dance” and I type, “I don’t know this song. [the fast part kicks up] Wait, yes I do.” Lakisha sounds good but I’m really bored. Disco is boring when it is just one chick piddling around onstage. Also, she’s wearing a dress that would look adorable on Haley, but on a Big Girl? Not so much. ****Brain flash as I type this**** Mom, do you know who I will now think of when I read a Stephanie Plum novel? Lakisha as Lula. Anyway, meh. The judges liked it. Randy liked her boots. I type, “Boots? Cause I was too distracted by the wriggling puppies under her dress.” Lakisha gets a B+.

Chris Sligh is up next and he gets a viewer question about free time and he responds that he “knits and plays the bongos in his boxers.” His schtick about being the loveable chubby funny guy? Wasn’t even cute at the start. He sings “Every Little Thing She Does” by the Police. Gwen says he is off-tempo. Paula has been saying that all season. This song? Is a trainwreck. Even the Deaf Miss America could hear the beat of the music, dude! In addition to his horrible rhythm, he is bouncing around like he drank a Big Gulp and now badly needs to urinate. Maybe the front 3 rows should’ve been warned they may get wet, like at Sea World. Where are their ponchos? Randy mentions the rhythm and asks him what the problem was and Chris totally freezes. The first thing that flies out of his mouth is that he’s never sung this song before. Well, you get to rehearse right? It’s not like you pick the song out of a fish bowl in the dressing room and then get shoved onstage, right? Althought, that would explain a lot of performances on this show. Christ, kid. Tap your toes! Beat your hand on your thigh! Something!

Anyway, real quick: the most awesome Family Moment ever happens when Simon critiques Chris. Simon says the performance was a mess and there are some half-hearted boos from the audience, but then, THEN, the cameraman cuts to an old man wearing a shirt with Phil’s picture on it that says, “Vote for Uncle John’s Nephew” and the old man LAUGHS AND CLAPS, as if to say, “Sing it, Simon! Amen, brother.” After Simon’s critique, Chris Sligh is giving the Serial Killer Stare, like he might chase Simon around wearing only his socks while brandishing a chainsaw. And when asked to defend his rhythm problems, he goes, “The kick is rarely on the downbeat.” What hell does that mean? I’ve sung this song. It isn’t Puccini. Constantine “STD Eyes” Maroulis sang it just fine, so if you can’t keep up with Constantine, you’ve got some problems, Chris. You get a C.

[alright, shake it off. Gina is next!]

Gina geeks out a little, because she loves Gwen Stefani. Of course you do, Rocker Barbie. Gina sings “Stand by You” by The Pretenders and it is fabulous. She sings this great Chrissy Hynde version, but adds little trills here and there, but then gets all gritty on “when the night falls on you baby” and finally, the key change is great. Really nice performance. But just for a second, let’s address her look. Gina looks like a prostitute this week. And not a Julia Roberts, snail-eating, opera-attending, “It was so good I almost peed my pants” prostitute. Gina looks like a free clinic-attending, chain-smoking, what-the-hell-is-that-rash? prostitute. Her shirt is made up of all these random pieces of fabric and it is SKIN TIGHT. I am imagining that the American Idol Seamstresses were backstage, grabbing swatches of fabric from random passersby and sewing Gina into them about 5 minutes before she took the stage. Blech. But back to her singing. Randy loved it and Paula shows some lucidity when she says this song let Gina show her vulnerability and let her vocals soar. Then we get to Simon and you can tell Gina is very nervous about his critique. But Simon, because he is AWESOME, goes, “Gina, that wasn’t one of your best performances. [audience boos] It was your best performance.” Well played, Phoebe Buffay. He says something about her transformation being from “chalk to cheese.” Those Brits, so adorable with their weird little sayings. Gina is just so touched by Simon’s words that she stands there trying not to cry. Awwwww. Gina gets an A.

Sigh. Up next is Sanjaya. We’ll address the singing first. He has chosen a Gwen Stefani song called “Bathwater,” a song I was unfamiliar with but it appears to be about “good girls” who like “bad boys” (I looked up the lyrics because MushMouth Malakar was no help). I really feel like this song’s message is the exact sentiment that Sanjaya needs to stay away from, lest some Very Bad Boy (the type who might have to be on a registered list) decides he thinks Sanjaya would make a great Good Girl. EEK! Also, one of the lyrics is “love to wash in your old bathwater.” Is that some kind of weird, Gwen Stefani thing that I don’t get? Because that just makes me feel incredibly grossed out.

Now we shall address how Sanjaya looks. Instead of describing it, I’ll just put here, verbatim, what I typed out during my watching-while-muted viewing of Sanjaya’s performance (feel free to sing along). “Chantilly Lace had a pretty face, had a fluffy Mohawk, standing up. A wiggle in his walk and giggle in his talk, make me really nauseous. There ain’t nothin’ in the world like big-eyed-freaky-offspring-of-Nadia-Turner-and-Joakim-Noah to make me feel so sick, poke my eyes with a stick, make me feel real [pause] (ewww, not “loose.” What rhymes with goose? I know!) [continues] Make me feel real yucky, like a long-necked ducky, like a girl OH BABY THAT’S WHAT I…..don’t like. At all. Not even a little bit.” Simon sums it up best when he says, “It doesn’t even matter anymore what we say, Sanjaya is in his own universe and if people like him, then good luck.” This gets an F. If I could someone wangle my way into the concert hall, I’d start shouting, “GET THE HOOK!”

Haley is up next and she sings “True Colors,” a song I happen to love. Guess what kids? It is SHOW CHOIR CAMP song #4. Last week, nobody did the secret Just For Andrea song. I blame Ugly Crying Girl. This week they got back on track with “True Colors.” Now, I can totally see how Cyndi Lauper fits in with the SAFCCGTRTAWPIBAAWIGSAOND Theme, but Haley’s version is like a more vanilla Phil Collins version (I didn’t not know it was possible to be whiter than Phil Collins). This song should BUILD to a great CRESCENDO and then come down on “like a rainbow.” It’s a very emotional song. However, The Haley Bot sings some weird version where she keeps screwing with the melody. Just sing it, dammit! I wonder if this picture is like what the Haley Bot sees when she looks at the other contestants. The judges call her sweet and forgettable. Pretty much. Haley Bot gets a B-.

Phil is up next and he is singing “The Stalker Song” by The Police. I hate this song, y’all. First, it’s overplayed. Second, it gives me the creeps. Also, this is not a good song for To-Catch-A-Predator-Phil. Instead of the “I’ll always be with you” vibe, he’s throwing off the “I liked you in that blue shirt last night while you studied in your room. How was Subway for lunch? You look beautiful while you’re sleeping” vibe. However, when I just listen and don’t watch, this actually is really good. Phil gets a B+. The judges like it and Simon comments that this is the first week he’s felt like Phil has given a rat’s ass, basically. Well, judges, it’s hard to give a shit when you are constantly like, “Girls rule, boys drool.” I’d really like to see Phil just snap and start yelling that Melinda “is who we thought she is! Why don’t you just crown her ass already?”

Speaking of Melinda, our resident adorable little weeble is also bringing the Donna Summer this week, but she does “Heaven Knows.” I don’t know this song, but she sounds great, blah blah blah, wide-eyed at the compliments, blah blah blah. She’s back to the high-waistedness, which is just NOT the way to go if you are all head and boobs and have no neck. All the judges loved it, natch. She’s great. I feel bad that I don’t have much more to say. Melinda gets an A.

Blake ditches the beatboxing for a night to sing The Cure’s “Lovesong.” This is very good. It’s mellow, there are no vocal acrobatics and he sounds A LOT like the original. He keeps sending some looks out to the camera that I choose to interpret as “Hey. Andrea. Yeah, you. Wanna cuddle?” Simon calls him the front-runner of the men, Randy tells him he “left it in the tender spot,” which I’m just going to leave alone because Chris Sligh and Phil are creepy enough without adding Randy’s Tender Spot to the mix. I do imagine it involves ugly shirts and Journey, though. Finally, Simon warns Blake of getting boring and from off-screen we hear Paula go, “NO! NO! NO!” and I like to imagine a Production Assistant was trying to steal her Coca-Cola cup full of gin n tonic. Blake gets an A-.

Inexplicably, our last two spots are given to two people doing actual Gwen Stefani songs, which nobody but Gwen should ever, ever sing. My girl Jordin is singing “Hey Baby.” It is awful. It is a trainwreck. This is not a “vocal” song. Jordin is the girl who should be showing off her vocal chops and instead she is completely wasting her talent on a song like this. Also, she is dressed like The Betsy Wetsy Doll Who Ate Manhatten in hooker boots. Seriously, guys. If, at the end of Ghostbusters, Ray had envisioned a doll instead of Mr. Stay Puft, and a giant Betsy Wetsy had come to destroy them? This is what it may have looked liked. Also, I appreciate that Jordin’s trying to be young and hip because she is only 17 years old, but she is TOO MATURE and POLISHED as a singer to be doing this crap. The judges loved it. Whatever. Jordin gets a C+. Also, her earrings are the size of dinner plates.

Finally the Pimp Spot goes to Chris Richardson this week. I get that he was in the bottom 2 with Stephanie last week and probably needs the help of the Pimp Spot, but he is not deserving of the Pimp Spot. He sings “Don’t Speak” and it starts off okay, but in this song the verse should be soft and then you should BLOW UP on the chorus and the bridge. But he doesn’t and this is lifeless and boring. Paula just repeats, “You’re good” over and over and suddenly Paula’s crossed into Phil’s Amber Alert territory. RUN, CHRIS! RUN AWAY FROM PAULA! Chris gets a C+.

Recap: Lakisha (I kind of forgot about her) sounding good but looking bad, Chris S being a wreck with the beat, Gina being awesome (she could front a Pretenders cover band), Sanjaya singing about washing in my bathwater and creeping me out, The Haley Bot, Phil being a Stalker, Melinda being so much better than anyone ever, Blake sounding good and looking cute, the Thing that Kidnapped Jordin and Sang An Awful Song and Wore a Tablecloth, Chris R still being nasally.

So, who should go home? Well, duh. Sanjaya, like a million years ago. Sabrina was in the audience tonight and I commend her for not bum-rushing the stage and pulling Sanjaya’s Mohawk out by the roots. Who will go home? If it’s not Sanjaya, it should be Chris Sligh. However, Haley might be in trouble too.

Finally, if this week’s “theme” counted as a “theme? Then I have some proposals for next week’s theme and guest star: How about Songs from Bobby Brown’s iPod? Songs That Garth Brooks Knows That Also Contain an F Chord? Songs that Carol Channing May Have Heard At One Time on the Radio?