We start out tonight’s blissfully only 30 minutes long Results Show with Ryan wearing a wig that is meant to look like Sanjaya’s pony-tail mohawk from last night. He claims he’s been “Sanjayaed.” That is so funny! These guys should write for SNL. Blah blah blah, recap of last night’s performances. You all know what went down. Sanjaya is horrible, but will never go home, so Haley and Chris S were the worst.
The Let’s Sell a Ford Commercial is a cowboy motif with everybody singing “I Fought the Law.” Chris Richardson is the Black Hat-Wearing Bad Cowboy and Jordin is the Sheriff. Unfortunately, they do not dress Lakisha up as Miss Kitty and make Sanjaya and Haley her girls. It’s kind of cute and Chris R is definitely cute, but let’s move on, shall we?
Time to bust heads and break hearts. Blake and Lakisha are safe and Phil is in the Bottom 3. Well that just makes no sense. He actually sounded good last night. I guess maybe voters could not get past the “Why do you want to know my name?” “Cause I want to know who I’m looking at” vibe of Phil. Moving along, Melinda, Chris R and Sanjaya are all safe (of course) and then Haley is in the Bottom 3. Duh. Then Jordin is safe and Chris S and Gina have to wait it out while we sit through the Nightmare Fuel that is Gwen Stefani’s Stage Show.
Back from commercial, we get an actual 3-ring circus right here on American Idol (well, more than usual). Step right up, step right up! See the Amazing Platinum-Haired Girl Who Is Totally Rich Despite Not Having Any Vocal Ability! See the Hip-Hop Artist This Old Fart Has Never Heard Of And Who Might Be Named Acorn! See the Freaky-Ass Background Dancers Who All Appear To Be Asian and Are Dressed as The Ventriloquist Dummies from “Dead Silence!” This is fucking terrifying.
Annnnnnd, we’re back to the Bottom 3. I type, “It better effing be Chris Sligh in the Bottom 3, that serial killer mother-WOOO! Chris is in the Bottom 3!” He joins Phil and 
Haley at center stage and then Ryan says he can send one of them back to safety right away. THEN the little ass-wipe Seacrest goes, “Haley……..you’ll need to stand here for another moment. Phil, you are safe.” That was a totally mean thing to do to a girl who is told week in and week out that “you’re not very good, but at least you’re pretty.” You know, speaking of Haley, I would love to see her in a remake of Annette’s “Babes in Toyland.” Haley Bot would make an awesome lifesize wind-up doll in the song “Just a Toy.”
Anyway, so the drama is for naught because Haley is safe and Chris S is going home. And if we can’t get rid of no-talent ass-clown Sanjaya, at least we can get rid of Chris S. His schtick was grating on my last nerve. Seacrest calls him “one of the most clever contestants we’ve ever had.” Except……no. He wasn’t, at all. Chris fancied himself quite the clever guy, but those are two entirely different things.
During his sing-out, where he still can’t hold “STD Eyes” Maroulis’s jockey shorts (that was for you, ERP), Chris does go over to hug the contestants and he says to Phil, “You owe me $50.” Alright, fine….that was marginally funny. Catch ya later, Sligh.
Next week? Tony Bennett. You know, I’m actually glad Haley stuck around because with her pretty Broadway voice, she might be able to really wail on some Bennett. Also, now that he’s gone, I must confess that all season whenever I’ve typed “Sligh” about 80% of the time my fingers just kept right on going and I typed “Slight.” Which is hilarious because that is not a word that one might use to describe Chris Sligh. That is all.
