American Idol: What. The. Fuck.

Call me naive, but the way American Idol went down last night was a complete surprise to me and I am PISSED that they made me think my beautiful Jordin was going home. Also? TWO HOURS OF TOTAL RANDOMNESS. It was like, I don’t know, a Sally Struthers’ commercial meets Blue Velvet meets the Sonny & Cher variety hour. And I will not be recapping the entire thing here, sorry kids. Here are the noteworthy things:

>>Ellen is hosting over in the Disney Concert hall and they kick things off with Earth, Wind and Fire and that kind of rules. However, I did not know at this point that Idol just blew their wad by opening with EWF.

>>There is a ton of footage of Africa and New Orleans and Kentucky and whatnot and it is all very depressing. All the judges cry, Ryan cries, I cry a little and I donate money on www.americanidol.com. That is all I have to say about the serious stuff.

>>Ben Stiller has a bit that is like so many of Ben Stiller’s achievements in that it is funny for a little while and then you start wanting to throw shit at your TV. The bit is that he sings badly until people call in and donate to get him to stop. What. Ever.

>>There is a montage of a bunch of celebrities singing “Stayin’ Alive.” Highlights include: Buffy being totally cute; Lisa Kudrow and David Schwimmer sharing screentime, which makes me happy; Chris Kattan giving me the “I forgot all about him” moment; and Gwyneth Paltrow starting to look like Crystal Gayle. Get a hair cut, Gwyneth.

>>Il Divo sings “Somewhere” and I get an IM from Sid Bream was Out that says, “Yeah, I want to watch 4 dudes sing West Side Story tunes.”

>>Carrie Underwood performs over in Africa and I still love her. Kelly Clarkson performs in Ellen’ s Puppet Show and is dressed like she should be riding in a Chevy Van, moonlight dancing off her hair.

>>Teri Hatcher keeps popping up and she has so much makeup on that she looks like a Drag Queen Teri Hatcher. Sadly, there is no smoochies between Teri and Ryan Seacrest.

>>Something performs “Bridge Over Troubled Water” and it is either A) The Reanimated Corpse of Annie Lennox (KILL IT! KILL IT!) or B) Clay Aiken, after he took a trip to the Albino from Princess Bride and had some life sucked out of him.

>>Celine Dion performs on stage WITH ELVIS and it’s pretty much as completely fucking ridiculous as you can imagine. Matchups that would’ve been better than this one: Whitney Houston sings with John Denver, Mandy Moore sings with Lynyrd Skynyrd, Suzanne Vega sings with Bing Crosby.

>>Bono comes and I roll my eyes so hard they get stuck. The Idols sing a schmoopy song called “American Prayer.”

>>As the show progresses, they keep telling one Idol at a time that he or she is safe and Ryan keeps talking about how shocking the results are tonight. First Melinda is safe, then Blake is safe, then Phil is safe, then Lakisha is safe. Which means we are down to Chris R and Jordin. And the results are supposed to be shocking. I immediately type, “Screw Africa! Jordin’s going home!!!!” And start freaking out.

>>In the end, everybody is safe and these votes will carry over to next week’s total, when two Idols are sent packing. I honestly am not sure who it should be at this point. As long as Melinda and Jordin are in the Final Four, the other two Idols could be any of the remaining contestants.

Lady Andrea out.