American Idol: 80s Night II

I’m sorry for abandoning y’all last week, I was on a 5-day bender in Las Vegas for a triple bachelorette party. It was probably better, though, because my girls Amanda and Tracy went home from American Idol and Survivor. Sad panda. At least Asshole Matt is gone from Big Brother, but that is small comfort.

Tonight I’m assuming there is some theme, but I haven’t heard what yet. Seacrest brings us in with kind of a husky voice tonight, I wonder if he’s sick. Oh my god, Paula has on black satin gloves with the fingers cut off. Who the fuck dresses her? Homeless Beauty Pageant Chic? The theme is Year You Were Born, which is cool.

Ramiele is 1987 and sings “Alone” by Heart. OH DEAR. We know how I feel about this song: Carrie Underwood rocked it and obviously so did Ann Wilson. Ramiele starts off too breathy for me, I want to hear more depth in the verse. She also has her shorts pulled up to her boobs like an old man. The chorus kicks up and I am not a fan. It’s too slow, she’s shouting and just standing there like her feet have grown roots and she sticks a tag on the end of “I hear the ticking of the clock, I’m lying here the room’s pitch dark.” Which is SO not the way the song should end. There should be a big ending on this one, not a bring it down ending. Randy agrees that this was too big for Ramiele and pitchy, which is true. Paula mentions that Ramiele is sick right now, which…whatever. Way to shill for votes, Paula. Simon cites shrieky and shouty, but says that it wasn’t bad. I didn’t love it, B for Ramiele.

Jason is up next and it’s his birthday tonight. He’s 21, so another 1987. Wow, I’m a dirty old woman because I want to do naughty things to him. He sings “Fragile” and is rocking teh Anthony Fedorov Stool (TM) and the acoustic guitar. Wow, this fits his voice VERY well. This might be my favorite Jason performance so far. He’s just not plunking at the instrument like some of them do, he’s really playing this song and he sounds great. Soft and mellow. Yeah, we are fragile and THEN the last look he gives right at the end of the song is SO Jordan Catalano I almost pass out. Randy loves the choice, but says he could’ve changed it up vocally a little. Randy says it was pleasant but not knock-my-socks-off. Paula says that is his niche, which is very true, but it was also safe. Simon wants to see him take it more seriously and compares it to a subway station. He says it was too in his own world and boring. Ooooh, I do not agree. I hate it when someone knows their niche and get blasted for it. An Amanda can’t sing a Ramiele song; a Jason can’t sing a David Cook song. Let them do what works for them. I say A- for Jason.

Syesha is our third 1987 in a row. Are we going from youngest to oldest? No, cause Archuleta was born in like 1998. Hmmm. She sings “If I Was Your Woman” and it starts off very strong. Right on key and as she gets going she brings in some attitude and some emotion, which is very nice. I get a little tired of the Robo-Idols. The last line “If I was your woman I would never stop loving you” is very pretty. I dug it a lot, good show from Syesha. Randy says it was the best she ever did, Paula says she’s now a dark horse in the competition, and Simon liked it but didn’t love it. He thinks the song stretched her vocals. I say A for Syesha, that was very good. I’m a sucker for some emotions while they sing.

Chikezie is coming up with a 1985 song. Power of Love, Power of Love! And ride a skateboard behind a police car! Instead he does “If Only for One Night.” I’m not sure I know this, but it really suits his voice. It’s very Shai, which I seem to recall he auditioned with. He has a nice “willing to go through” with a falsetto drop down to a low note, very smooth. I like this new set a lot better when the lights are low and it doesn’t look so monstrous. It really is like the whale’s gaping maw in Pinocchio. That’s what it makes me think of. Anyway, Chikezie has some BEAUTIFUL low notes at the end that make me feel all tingly. Well done, you. Randy says Syesha was very young-feeling and Chikezie was too old school. Hmmm, I thought it was beautiful. That could be a modern R&B ballad. Paula liked it but Paula is probably busy listening to the singing of the ENORMOUS bling on her wrist. Simon thought the singing was good but the performance was cheezy. Hmmm. He also wanted some originality and didn’t want a copy of the original. Well, if you don’t know the original it sounded great and let’s think about the target audience of this show. They don’t know it. B+ for Chikezie.

Cutie Brooke is up next with 1983. In her video we get to see her mom, who is a total looker. She’s doing “Every Breath You Take” or as I like to call it “The Stalker Song.” She’s playing the piano and needs a second start to get going on the song, but once she does it sounds great. Man, I would totally buy an album of Brooke playing the piano and singing covers of songs I like. Her hair is straighter this week and it’s very pretty, she’s like a less-moonfaced Sarah Chalke. The bridge gets away from her a little, it’s kind of weird. I don’t love that the band kicks up. Oooh, I wish they’d do a Billy Joel week just for Brooke. I’d love to see her do some Joel. Anyway, other than the bridge it was very nice. Randy says the front part was good but the bridge had a weird arrangement. Wow, very in sync tonight. Paula says she’s consistent and great. Simon totally agrees with me and Randy. Just Brooke and the piano was much cooler than when the band kicked up. Still good enough to keep her there, though. B+ for Brooke. Definitely A territory but not once it went all weirdo on us.

We get our weekly shill for Coca-Cola and then Michael is next. He’s our first 1970s contestant and he sings “We Will Rock You.” Ugh. I love Queen but I fucking hate this song. It does not lend itself to be performed. It’s only good for a tiny little snippet at a sporting event and ya know…not really even then. He gets a little better when he goes into “We Are the Champions” because that’s at least a vocal song. I mean, Freddy Mercury could effing wail, but “We Will Rock You” is not one of those songs. So Michael sounds good but these songs aren’t…I don’t know…interesting anymore because they’re everywhere. He’s a little too white bread, too. Freddy had some soul that Michael does not. And I won’t even speak to the goddamn spotlights that were flashing because I had to avert my eyes. Seriously, you could land the space shuttle with those stupid things. Randy thinks it was awesome, I think it was smoke and mirrors. Paula stumbles over “shut our mouths” about him needing the right song because she’s too busy drooling. Simon says he saw star potential for the first time. Hmmm. It just didn’t grab me, though I will say it sounded good. B+ for Michael.

Carly is another 1983, which surprises me. I thought she was older. Carly was named after Carly Simon, who was on the radio on the way to the hospital. Haha, awesome. OH MY GOD, SHE’S DOING “TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART.” THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME! I HAVE GOOSEBUMPS. It starts off all sultry and slow, she’s doing a great back n forth with one of the backup singers. Then she kicks it up and I love it, though I do want bigger. BIGGER. BUILD IT UP! She looks awful tonight, her dress is really ugly. But anyway, she’s doing a great job. The last note gets juuuuust a titch away from her, but I appreciate that she tried to rock it out. Randy liked it, but didn’t love it. He says interesting song choice, which: WHAT? That was a perfect song for her. Paula is with me, she loved it. Simon said it was tense and something didn’t quite work. Hmmm. It wasn’t “Crazy On You,” but it was good. B+ for Carly. Wow, lots of B-plusses tonight. I kind of just like everybody, but nobody has really blown it out and nobody has really sucked it up. Luckily we still have Kristy, though, so I can hand out a low grade.

David A is our first 1990s, as he is 17 years old. Yikes. I hope he does Wilson Phillips. He’s doing “You’re the Voice,” which I don’t know but when I first hear the piano part I think he’s doing “Right Now” by Van Halen adn I get excited by his bold choice. Then the lyrics start and I kind of barf a little. It sounds like the big finale number from a movie starrring David A as a down-and-out wrong-side-of-the-track kid who discovers he can sing by befriending an inspiring music teacher played by Gloria Estefen. Seriously, this is gross. He’s bouncing around like he’s at a gospel revival. Vocally, it’s good. I mean, this kid can totally sing and the teenyboppers are going to shit themselves. But I’m not a fan of this song. Randy says strange song, but he worked it out. Randy and I are eerily in sync on parts tonight. Paula drunkenly slurs that David could’ve picked a song we all know and that he could sing the phonebook and people would love him. Simon compares it to a theme park performance. I like my comparison better Simon but I’ll take it. He does say David needed animated creatures around him, which: HA! Vocally that was nice, but I’m still giving him a B just for being gross.

Kowgirl Kristy is up next and she’s a 1984. Interesting. Only a year between her and Carly. It seems like much more than that. She’s doing “God Bless the USA.” OH FUCKING GAG ME. I hate this goddamn song. I hate it. HATE IT. She couldn’t do the Alan Jackson “Building a Ladder to Heaven” song? Cause that one is about as good. Oh and after the first verse on “and I’m PROUD” she stands up, which is kind of a faux pas because not 10 seconds later the lyrics say “gladly stand up.” C’mon Kristy, you’re better than that. (Actually, she’s not but it’s right there in the lyrics and I can’t believe she didn’t jump all over that piece of choreography. I bet she fucking ends with her hand in the air.) The end of the chorus and the key change gets FUCKING AWAY from her and it is horrendous. This is like County Fair territory again. The Pageant girl from Tifflin, Iowa sings a country version of “* Days a Week” for her talent and then celebrates her corronation with “God Bless The USA.” That’s what this is. AND THEN for the ending she fucking raises her hand up to Jesus and I seriously want to shoot her in the face. Randy says good song choice but doesn’t blast her for the bad notes! C’MON RANDY! Paula says poignant and respectful. No, that song has lost both of those things. Simon calls it her best performance by a mile and she jumps around in a circle. He also cites the cleverness of the song choice, which: yes. And that makes me want to barf too. Honest to god, D for Kristy. Go the hell home, Kowgirl.

David C is doing 1982. Man, this is a good idea for a theme in theory but it just ends up being 1980s songs now. We had one from the 70s and one from the 90s? Lame. He’s doing “Billie Jean” but he’s doing somebody else’s version (I couldn’t hear what Ryan said.) Huh. This takes on a much creepier undertone when he sings it all slow and rocker with the back light and smoke. And considering Michael Jackson sang this originally, that is saying something. It’s another David Performance, but for me I like it much more like I enjoyed “Hello” than I did “Eleanor Rigby.” He has one interesting part where he gets off a giant note that he holds forever, which is decent and then he brings it back down. Not bad, not bad. A- for David. Randy calls him bold and awesome. Paula stands up in her prom dress and satin gloves and almost fellates him on stage. Simon calls it brave and says it could’ve either been insane or amazing and he thought it was amazing. David goes nuts, because that’s what you do when Simon likes you and it’s cute.

Recap: Ramiele having totally slipped my mind, Jason finding a PERFECT song for himself no matter what the judges say, Syesha emoting all over the place, Chikezie getting his slow jam on *thunder* the quiet storm, Brooke luckily getting a clip of the beginning of her song which is beautiful, Michael seeming like a total poser in the wake of David C’s “Billie Jean,” Carly being a little lifeless in retrospect but still sounding great, David bopping around like a goddamn weeble and the saccharine of him and Kristy going back to back is disgusting, Kristy barefoot with some straw between her teeth (well, she should’ve been) and David C ending up as the most interesting of the night.

DKJ:OSIENT:OSIDG OH MY GOD, KIMBERLY LOCKE IS COMING BACK TOMORROW NIGHT FOR THE RESULTS SHOW! LOVE. HER.

Who should go home? Kristykristykristykristykristy. Who will go home? Probably Ramiele.