The Handcuffed Filter of Handcuffedness shows us Adam being safe and the girls being nominated. Sheila is a big whiny baby about it. God, suck it up. There are 4 of you left, you dumb bitch. Sharon is not sweating it, she’s been nominated 5 times in a row and also she’s got the Double Secret Alliance with Ryan, so she feels pretty good. I hope she wins POV and ejects Adam’s ass. Weirdly, Julie Chen is hosting tonight. Huh. I guess the POV winner will have to evict someone tonight?
Sheila is crying about how “painful” it is to be on the block. DUDE! There is “painful” and there is fucking reality TV. Also, stop fucking crying you 46 year-old crazy woman. God I wish I could bleep bleep bleep my way through this. Adam and Ryan say they HAVE to get Sheila out. Ryan thinks best case scenario is going to Final Three with Adam and Sharon because he knows they’ll both take him to Final Two. Not bad. I’m finding myself rooting for Ryan. Huh.
Ryan talks to Sharon and she wants to get Adam out. Huh. He tapdances around, trying to convince her to get Adam out, but Sharon is skeptical. Sheila and Adam powwow and she goes all whiny co-dependent crazypants. I am SO over these two. When do they get handcuffed together so they can do it? She harangues him about being a little dirty because it’s a game. Funny how she forgets that when it means she is nominated.
HAHA, time for handcuffs! They HAVE to make out. They aren’t real handcuffs, though, which is a shame. They are leather wrist cuffs with a stretch of rope in between them. Lame. But still: they have to get together, like in “A Hunting We Will Go” on Quantum Leap or “Ted & Brad Get Handcuffed” on Hey Dude. It’s PERFECT!
The montage of them is just Adam changing his pants, Sheila getting some coffee, Adam interviewing that he loves to “push this lady’s buttons” and Sheila getting annoyed. Boring. MAKE OUT ALREADY!
We now get some scary-ass night vision footage of Sheila in just a bra and panties climb out of bed with Adam to see where Sharon is. Sharon is upstairs with Ryan, talking about how they have to break up Adam/Sheila. In bed, Sheila says “I can see you winning this game, Adam. We would do amazing stuff with this money.” Uhhh…is she SO desperate for love that she’s going to throw it for him and expect him to get some of the money?
The next day they are unhandcuffed and…wow, that was weak. What a dumb gimmick. The POV has the backyard decorated like a horsetrack/barnyard. There are four sections, one for each houseguest and no one can see anybody else. The idea is to put the face of a jury member with two clues on each horse. You have to put them up in order of eviction and get the two clues right. When you get all 5, you win. There are more clues than you need too. Cool.
To get to the wall of horses, you have to keep leaping over hay bales, which is hilarious. Anyway, it’s neck-and-neck (haha) but Ryan seems to be doing really well. And then he wins! Innnteresting. I would’ve thought he would’ve thrown it. Now he HAS to take Sharon off, because if he doesn’t Adam will evict her! He’s pretty pumped about having the power because everyone has to kiss butt. Heh.
That night Adam and Ryan powwow. Ryan is worried Adam will take Sheila instead of Sharon to Final 3. Ryan kind of rubs it in that he could pretty much have Adam evicted if he wants to. Adam kind of mealy-mouths to Sharon about what he’s supposed to do when he votes. He tells Sharon that he wants to take Sheila but that if she promises him she’ll take him to Final 2 then he’ll keep her. Sharon balks and Adam is immediately suspicious of Sharon/Ryan. Duh. Sharon should’ve IMMEDIATELY taken that deal and then gone back on it. But she runs off to talk to Her Man, like she ALWAYS does. She tells Ryan that Adam is goign to take Sheila and now just tried to make a deal with her. Ryan looks worried.
Sheila goes to beg and plead for Adam to keep her in the house. Hmm. She even pulls a “help me Obi Wan Kadam, you’re my only hope!” Ew. Adam goes off to Ryan and spins the deal his way and totally lies to Ryan’s face. Sharon’s story was the truth and Adam is full of shit. Ryan, you cannot trust him. Ryan nails it right on the head when he says Adam is acting like he’s safe already and is looking ahead to next week. Huh.
Adam gets all riled up and bug-eyed, big shock. We now check in live with the Final Four. Julie is weirdly wearing, like, a fucshia track suit. Sharon then gets the news that she’s the first houseguest in history to get nominated 5 times in a row. HAHA.
We now get the POV ceremony. Ryan stands up and doesn’t use the POV, which seems…fucking dumb. Adam is going to evict Sharon, who was a SURE THING to take Ryan to Final Two. Sheila is not. And Adam is a wildcard, so now Ryan has one wildcard and one absolutely not, instead of one wildcard and one sure thing. What the fuck, dude? The girls give their stupid little speeches and of course Sheila gets all choked up.
Adam votes to evict Sharon and Sheila starts bawling. Jeezus. How could Ryan be so goddamn stupid? She was his ticket and Adam has proven he cannot be trusted on a couple different occasions. Also, if Sheila wins HOH then Ryan is screwed, whereas if Sharon won it he’d be golden. DUMB. DUMB. DUMB.
Sharon is a little surprised that Ryan didn’t keep her and she thinks he’s screwed himself now because Adam/Sheila will stick together, but she’s handling this better than ANYONE who has been evicted EVER. Seriously, she seems very cool about this, which is nice. Way for a houseguest to be mature for once.
The HOH competition is of course going to be some kind of endurance challenge that on Survivor is cool as hell and on Big Brother is lame and involves being covered in feathers and orange juice or some shit like that. For real, Survivor does Chinese Water Torture and Big Brother does hang from a disco ball.
It’s the 3-round competition where the Round 1 winner automatically advances to Round 3. The backyard has a big lake in it, which is kinda cool. They all kneel on a wake board that is on a sort of slip n slide platform. They grab on to their water skiing rope. At least one hand must be on the rope at all times. If you let go, you’re out. I hope they really turn the current up so they are sliding around and stuff. Just as I type that, the “river starts to rise.” Wow, this is a really elaborate Big Brother set. This is actually not as lame as I thought it would be. The platform tips to a steep angle and the water starts rushing at them. I don’t think Sheila’s gonna last very long, but she surprised me in the glass boxes challenge.
The houseguests are doing okay about 5 minutes in and then the episode ends. See y’all tomorrow night, Lady Andrea out.
