Survivor: 3 Guys, 1 Girl and a Great Theme

Seacrest welcomes us by informing us that 3 of these people have already been #1 in the vote totals.  Considering the demographics of the voters of this show (not viewers, voters) I’m going to have to say that’s all 3 guys.  I bet they are Final 3, they are all far too well-liked to leave this weak.  Barring one of them biting the head off a live bat on stage, I think they’re all safe.

The Top 4 come out onstage and…Luke Menard is here?  Is that his name?  From the Top 24?  I can’t remember.  Syesha is getting her Diana Ross on tonight with big hair and a gold dress.  We then learn the theme is the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame.  I wonder if she’s doing a Supremes song.  This could end up being a great theme, I hope they do some cool songs.  They get to pick from the Top 500 Songs that Shaped Rock n Roll.  Well, that should yield some good choices.  I’d imagine.

David Cook is first doing “Hungry Like the Wolf.”  OH MY GOD, AWESOME.  I love Duran Duran.  LOVE.  I wonder if he’ll do an uptempo version.  He launches and it’s up-tempo and definitely more rocky than bubble gummy, which is awesome.  Hmmm.  I actually like this a lot.  He’s giving some pretty creepy looks to the “mosh pit” and since this song is about my “juices like wine,” that’s a bit gross.  But vocally this is great.  The energy wasn’t quiiiite there, but it was good.  Solid B+ for David.  Randy says “okay” and “solid” but not “mad hot.”  That’s exactly what I meant, Randy.  Paula says something about a “big appetite.”  Ewwww.  Simon says good, a little copycat, but good enough to get through to next week.

David vs David Finale still intact.

There are 2 things wrong with the Meatloaf Go-Phone commercial.  1.  It’s a disgusting bastardization of a song I enjoy doing at karaoke if I can find a cool guy who knows it.  2.  Does nobody else feel totally skeeved out by the father/son with their arms around each other singing the two parts of a song about LOSING YOUR VIRGINITY?  Just me?

The Lebron as lawyer commercial?  Cute and…kinda sexy.  He can rest my case.

We’ve got Syesha now in a dress that could probably be used to land planes.  I haven’t seen so many sequins since Drill Team camp.  She is singing “Proud Mary.”  She talks in her video about how it’s been covered so many times and that she’s a little scared.  This could be really good for her, actually.  She starts off all slow and sultry, popping her hip while she just stands there center stage.  It’s hot.  On the “rollin’s”  she does a pretty sxy hip rol and then when the fast part kicks up she’s got some awesome moves.  I mean, very Tina Turner.  Unfortunately the vocals go a little off but maybe the voting public won’t notice.  This performance was vocally strong at the beginning but once it sped up she just didn’t have the chops.  However, I don’t think any voters will even notice because of her dance moves.  B for Syesha. Randy says “in the zone.”  Hmm.  The “all flash and no substance” zone?  Paula goes straight to “you look like a star” and says she has presence, which is true.  But vocally it was lacking.  Fortunately, this has NEVER been a singing competition.  Simon has it right when he says it was a bad, shrieky version (a blonde moppet in the crowd goes nutso with the “boos) of Tina Turner.  Yep.

Jason Castro is singing a Bob Marley song.  HAHAHA.  “I Shot the Sheriff.”  Interesting.  This song doesn’t totally suit his voice, but it really sorts his stoner Reggae look.  That will enough to distract the voters.  Weirdly on the chorus the backup singers get the majority of the lyrics and he just kind of bops around.  Yikes.  Can he hear the background music?  Because he’s not…with it.  That was…a lot of horns and a lot of backup singers and not a lot of Jason.  I am not a fan.  C+ for Jason.  Randy says karaoke.  Paula says it wasn’t her favorite, but she applauds that he performed to the audience.  (For once, since he’s normally in his own little Jason world).  Simon says atrocious.  Which it kind of was.

David Archuleta is singing…STAND BY ME!  ARE YOU SHOCKED?!?!  I am SHOCKED!  I love this song.  I really do.  It’s on my First Dance list.  But for fuck’s sake.  And of course, vocally…it’s beautiful.  I mean, this kid is incredibly talented.  I just…couldn’t he have done anything else huh?  I mean, he didn’t have to whip out “Back in Black,” but he could’ve gone just a smidge outside-the-box with “Ramblin’ Man” or “American Girl?”   Randy says at least one person got on stage and acted like he wanted to win.  I disagree with that.  David Archuleta, like, needs a nap, a cookie and some juice.  This poor kid is tired.  Paula schmoops him.  Simon says he could’ve whistled the song and it would’ve been better than Jason.  Haha.  He also says in the grand scheme of things, he says best so far.  Well yeah, but I just got out of the shower where I was rocking “What About Love” and…I’d give “best so far” a run for its money.

I hope the next round is David Cook on “Fortunate Son,” Syesha on “Chain of Fools,” Jason on “Moondance,” and Archuleta on “Don’t Worry Baby” (because I bet he could do that one really well).

David Cook’s second offering is “Baba O’Riley” by The Who.  Oh, I like this song.  He’s rocking the electric guitar and vocally this REALLY suits him.  When he gets to the “only teenage wasteland,” I worry that the high stuff is gonna get him but it doesn’t.  He pulls it out.  Nice.  He’s getting louder, but he’s not screaming at me.  I appreciate that from my rockers.  That was good.  A- for David.  Randy says that’s what we’ve grown to love.  Paula says she wants more, more, more Dave Cook.  Again Paula:  EWWWW.  Simon says welcome back.  Yes, David Cook should be safe this week.

The second song from Syesha is “A Change is Gonna Come.”  Hmmm.  Interesting.  In her video interview she makes a ham-handed comparison of the civil rights movement being a pivotal time in her life to the Top 4 being a pivotal time in her life.  Ummm…no.  But then she’s wearing a beautiful (BEAUTIFUL) gold floor-length gown and she looks incredible.  Vocally, there are some big notes for her to power through, which the voters just slather up.  She gets a little shouty and strained for me and her last note seems…off, pitch-wise.  I may have to relisten.  But the big notes are what the voters love, so she’s gonna be alright.  B+ for Syesha.  Randy says he didn’t love it as much as the first song.  He says she pushed out a lot of notes and that she didn’t need to do anything different from the original.  Ya know, you have to STOP acting like some songs HAVE to be different and “make them your own” and some songs can’t be touched but then NOT TELL THEM WHICH IS WHICH.  They aren’t goddamn mind readers.  Paula says something about dreams and Syesha cries.  It’s pretty gross.  Simon agrees with Paula that it was great and she cries some more.  Jeeezus.  She makes another “I’ve changed” and “civil rights movement” comparison and then Ryan asks for a tissue and then we all tease Randy about making her cry and it’s kind of ridiculous.  Ryan starts “jokingly” freaking out about running too long, but you just know his little OCD self is having a fit inside.

Jason’s second song is “Mr. Tambourine Man,” the Bob Dylan version.  He’s got his acoustic guitar and…huh.  This is actually really good.  He’s actually singing and –then he totally forgets the words.  Like, a whole line that he just goes “lalablamdamumblemumbleblahblah” to the tune of the melody.  HAHAHHAHA.  Wow.  I still really like this, but that’s a little cringe-worthy.  Anyway, it’s fairly ironic that his vocals sound very pretty and clear on a Bob Dylan song.  Snerk.  It’s very middle of the road vocally, no big stretches, but that’s Jason’s wheelhouse.  He doesn’t have a big voice, so this was perfect for him.  If he hadn’t dropped the lyrics, solid B+ for Jason.  With the lyrics, B-.  Randy seems disappointed.  Paula says that the performances didn’t blow them away, but that he blows her away.  Hmmm.  Too many jokes.  Simon says “pack your suitcase.”  Wow.  That’s kinda harsh.  Also, that’s probably enough to activate the Jason Castro Dialers and send Syesha packing.  Nice going, Simon.

I’m 0 for 4 on predicting their second song, though to be fair the list is 500 songs long.  I’m still holding out hope that Archuleta does “Don’t Worry Baby.”

Archuleta is doing “Love Me Tender.”  Hmmm.  My choice is better.  He says he wants to do a “really romantic love song.”  Well, this oughta send some of the girls in the audience into spontaneous combustion.  I’ll be honest, I hate this song.  It’s too slow and schmaltzy.  Yeah, this is pretty barfy.  He’s got the closed-eyes-hand-out-stretched nonsense happening.  Vocally…of course it’s very nice.  Controlled, a beautiful little break at the end to convey emotions.  Wow.  Randy uses the word “caressed.”  EWWW.  Paula says favorite and she felt his heart.  Ew, for a different reason.  Simon says he crushed the competition tonight.  Yeah, yeah.  A- for David.

REcap:  David doing a great song in a boring way and then ROCKING his second song, Syesha getting her Tina Turner Lite on and then being actually pretty soulful, Jason being a trainwreck of awfulness and then being pretty sweet on Tambourine Man, David being David.

Jason should go home.  Syesha will.  Bummer.  Lady Andrea out.