Survivor: James is Usurped!

Back from Tribal, Amanda and Cirie are feeling pretty good after Alexis’s ouster.  Erik and Natalie are reeling.  In fact, Natalie is laying under a blanket with a doo-rag on while flies land on her head…she looks like a corpse.  Which is not that much different.

Erik interviews that at Tribal Amanda made him feel like a fool.  Well, WAIT TIL LATER BABY!  (Spoiler).  Natalie instructs Erik that if he wins reward he has to send her to Exile so she can look for the Idol.  They don’t trust anybody blahblahblah easily-dupedcakes.

Amanda interviews that Cirie is loyal because she was with Amanda…but not if it meant picking rocks for who goes home.  So…she’s sort-of with you?  Sometimes.  Cirie clues Amanda and Parvati into the idea tha tErik will go along with whomever gets to him last.  Like a goldfish, basically.  Amanda then corners Erik and asks him about his thoughts and he says he’s focusing on the reward challenge because he’s starving.  She then asks him if he’ll take her with him on the reward if he wins.  She kisses ass by saying they need to pair up the best physical player (Erik) with the most strategic (Amanda).  Wow.  Boys are so easy.  He then asks for her thoughts on Exile and he says Natalie wants him to go or her to go, to which Amanda says “of course she does!” because Natalie wants to weaken him.  And he seems to totally buy it.  He is…a simpleton.  A big doofy floppy-haired simpleton.

The reward challenge is trivia questions about the favorite moments from past seasons of Survivor.  Erik should have this in the bag.  He’s a total Survivor fanboy.  The reward is a helicopter flight to a luxury resort.  I shall not be recapping the questions.  Jeff does make the comment that if you are a fan of the show you should get these questions right.  Except they are identifying the seasons by the location.  Hell, after season 3 in Africa EVERY other season has been in a tropical island location.  Blue water, tropical fish, sandy beaches.  I can’t remember the damn difference.  Jeff also calls Erik the “superfan,” which is coincidentally what we printed on a t-shirt that we gave to a mentally-challenged adult who came to all my high school football and basketball games.  It was a nice gift, he really liked it.  But I’m just sayin’.  Anyway, Erik wins, he takes Amanda with him and he sends Parv to Exile.

Back at camp, Natalie is all a-twitter because Erik didn’t take her on reward.  Cirie uses the fact that it bothers Natalie to needle her a bit and make her doubt Erik.  Man, Cirie is TOTALLY in control of this game.  I mean…seriously.  Go Cirie.  She is like the puppet master and NOBODY realizes it.

Erik and Amanda go on reward and it looks awesome.  Food, massages, manipulation of a floppy-haired doofus.  My kinda reward.  Meanwhile Parvati is chillin’ out max and relaxin’ all cool and gettin’ some sun time out on Exile Island.  She doesn’t even look for the Idol (that we see).  Wow, that’s hubris right there.  Erik and Amanda go back to camp and Cirie tells them she knows how awesome it was because she got that reward in her season.  Natalie meanwhile beats a coconut to death.  She’s a nut job.

Cirie powwows with Erik.  He thinks Natalie and Amanda need to go and Natalie is standing, like, 5 feet away and can hear every word.  He’s such a doofus.  She says “I could’ve bitch-slapped him.  Slapped him like his mother.”  Which…okay, that’s a little funny.  I still don’t like Natalie.  She’s a “boil the bunny” girl.

She fills the girls in on the conversation and Cirie confirms it to Amanda.  Amanda kind of laughs that Erik has told every woman left something different and OF COURSE they are going to talk.  Erik then interviewers that he “maybe” screwed up by telling them all different things.  Well, yes.  Dumbass.  Seriously, he is too stupid to live.

The Immunity Challenge is the one where you get symbols.  They correspond to posts around a giant circle in the sand.  You cross the ropes from the posts and where the ropes cross is where you dig up puzzle pieces.  That puzzle gives you new coordinates, which gives you a puzzle, which gives you more coordinates, which gives you a puzzle, which gives you immunity.  It’s all very complex.  Erik totally wins.  By a lot.

Back at camp, Natalie grills the women as to whether it’s her going tonight and they say that it pretty much is.  They all laugh about how Erik has been talking out of all four sides of his mouth, while he putzes around…getting wood or something.  Suddenly Cirie wonders outloud if Erik would give Natalie the necklace.  Amanda jumps right on that, saying that they’ll convince him that the jury hates him so this is one way to redeem himself.  Cirie tells Natalie to tell him that it’ll help him with the jury and that they’ll vote out Amanda.  Natalie goes, “Who would fall for that?”  Oh, I know EXACTLY who would fall for it.  And Parvati astutely says that Erik belongs in the trio with Ozzy and Jason.  The Three Musketards.  The Three Amorons.  The Three Tenors Who Are Stupid.  (Sorry, I ran out.)

Natalie is dubious but she says she’ll try it.  She tells Erik that Amanda is the biggest thread, so she offers for her, Cirie and Erik to vote for Amanda.  She says that he has to give her the necklace in order to get Cirie’s vote.  He wonders why he has to give the necklace.  She tells him he needs the goodwill with the jury.  He talks to Cirie about what is the problem with him keeping immunity and them still voting Amanda.  Cirie says that she doesn’t trust him and him giving Natalie immunity would prove to them that he can be trusted.  Man, it is ridiculous that this is even being considered.  Cirie interviews that if Erik takes the necklace off, his torch will be snuffed quicker than he can blink.  Man…Cirie rules!

DEADLY SEA SNAKE.

Erik asks Natalie if they’ll feel comfortable voting Parvati instead of Amanda because she could have the Hidden Idol.  Though…isn’t this the last Tribal she can use it?  So don’t vote for her because then whoever Amanda and Parvati vote for will go home.  If you’re worried she’ll play it, what good does voting for her do?  Erik Logic frightens and confuses me.

The jury comes in and Ozzy is suddenly dressed like Juan Valdez.  Alexis winks at Natalie.  Alexis cleans up pretty good, she’s a cutie.  Erik then defends his taking Amanda to reward as a way to redeem himself.  Jeff asks Erik about all the women and he says basically that he was talking out of all sides of his mouth and that he’s kind of full of crap, which gives Amanda a great opening to harangue him about it, which just feeds the fire for him.  You can tell he wants to magnanimously hand over immunity to look like such a great guy.  The girls act all put out and he totally eats it up, apologizing and genuflecting in all directions.  It’s pretty gross.

Erik speaks of “redemption” and Jeff asks Cirie if “sorry” is enough.  She says it is because the power lies with the jury.  She says it’s important to redeem yourself not through your words but through your actions.  Oooooh, she’s good.  Right before the vote….OH MY GOD HE DOES IT!  He gives Immunity to Natalie.  WHAT.  THE.  FUCK.  DUDE?  Over on the jury, there are shots of James and Ozzy cracking up but I think that is a shot from later because Jeff would’ve acknowledged it.  When Erik goes off to vote, Parvati kisses Natalie on the cheek and launches a thousand fanfics.  When Erik votes he says that he hopes people keep their words and then he squeals “OH MY GOD!” like a 5 year-old girl.  Cirie votes and says she may not win all the games, but she can beat people with “this” and points to her head.  Yes, Cirie.  When Parvati votes she says he’ll go down as the dumbest Survivor ever.  Yes.  Yes he will.

The women can barely contain themselves as the votes are read.  They go Erik, Parvati, Erik (his jaw drops), Erik and he’s done.  He rolls his eyes skyward and then goes, “You guys drive me crazy.”  Then James goes, “I’ve lost my reign as dumbest Survivor ever.”  HAHA.  Erik seems pretty jolly about it.  I think he is HONESTLY just super-excited to be here.  Seriously.  He’s going to go home and geek-out watching himself on TV.

In his exit interview, Erik says “Damn, damn, they got me.  I should’ve known better.  Those damn girls.  There’s one thing to be said about surviving the elements and there’s another thing to be said about surviving four crazy sexy women.  I never thought I would be shoulder-to-shoulder with these people I’ve seen on TV.  They’re my heroes and they talk to me, they acknowledge me as a person.”

Oh dear.  Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.  I cannot get into the idea of being honored that reality tv contestants “acknowledged me as a person.”  Westward ho, Floppy Haired Simpleton.