Survivor: Go Cirie!

We get a 5-minute long recap of the entire season so far. Like somebody might be tuning in for the first time. Jonathan compared the favorites to the Red Sox, Amanda caught a shark, we have a gratuitous shot of Natalie and Alexis back in the beginning of the season when I’m fairly convinced they weren’t actually there, there were a bunch of injuries and we lost Jonathan who rocks, Amanda/Parv/Cirie had an alliance, Ozzy/Jason/Erik were Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest (I still cannot beat The 3 Musketards as far as names go), and now we have the Final Four of Cirie, Natalie, Amanda and Parvati. I’m rooting for Cirie because she’s been pretty bad-ass. She’s done all this sneaky shit but she’s gotten everybody else to actually *do* it. Natalie sucks balls because she thinks she’s bad-ass when she’s not. Amanda thinks she’s going to be seen as “loyal.” We’ll see. Parvati…annoyed me so much in her first season that I really cannot abide her winning this one even if she played a way better game this time.

The 4 women return from Tribal and jump around and scream and scare the shit out of some night-vision crabs on the beach. Amanda does a weird dance and I just notice that her job is “aspiring designer.” What does that mean? Aspiring? Just BE a designer. Parvati marvels at how everyone has fallen into their trap, which is pretty much right on. Cirie interviews that it’s just tearing her heart out that there are no guys left. Seriously, that’s pretty awesome. This has NEVER happened. Hell, the last time we had an all-girl final two was Vecepia and Naleh in whatever season that was. Suddenly Mowgli Parvati climbs a tree to get some coconuts and she chops off like 6 in one fell swoop. It’s pretty impressive.

Lemur.

Natalie and her pointy face and weird boobs talks about how she lives with fear a lot, which is…weird. Maybe that explains why she’s been so proud about her imagined “stone-cold bitch” status. She says she and Parvati just “get” each other. Natalie is pretty sure they have an alliance, so she may be in for some disappointment. Though it would be interesting if it turns into Parv/Nat vs Amanda/Cirie. After they get treemail, Cirie says that if anybody wins besides Natalie, they’ve pretty much secured Final 3. Interesting.

The set-up for this final challenge is…fucking impressive. It’s a giant wedding-cake type pyramid. They start on a 20-foot perch in the water where they use a bucket to lower to the water, get water, fill a tube and get their keys out. They will swim back, use the keys to get ladder rungs, correctly assemble the ladder, climb it and raise a flag at the top of the Survivor Agro-Crag. Cool.

Natalie takes an early lead with the bucket part. She starts swimming for shore and Parvati takes off after her a few minutes later. Cirie and Amanda are not really in this anymore. Man, Cirie even sucks at this. This is an easy challenge physically. Lame. She does catch up with the ladder though, which has 16 rungs and each run only fits one slot, so it’s really anybody’s game at this point.

Pixelated Natalie Side Boob.

Amanda kicks ASS on the ladder part and wins immunity. Wow, that was quite some good work on the ladder. Back at camp, Amanda is showing off her 6,000 teeth. She’s very excited about her getting to the Finals in both her seasons. Natalie interviews that she’s the low woman on the totem pole, but she’s not gonna give up. There’s some weird dialogue about letting the chicken go and letting the rooster have its way with her and then maybe she’ll kill him like a praying mantis. I don’t fucking know.

Snake. Giant lizard.

Parv and Amanda go on a walk and think Cirie is a threat to get jury votes. Parvati says that Natalie has played a good game, but that Cirie got “lucky to be with [them].” Wow. WOW. Parvati’s getting a little big for her britches, I suspect. I think Cirie’s been pretty much pulling the strings all game, but of course Parvati thinks it’s been all her. Damn. I have a bad feeling about this.

At Tribal, Natalie beams at Erik, who just smiles and shakes his head. At least he’s not taking it like a big ol’ jerk, like fucking Ozzy. Erik and Jason took their blindesides like men. Ozzy was a baby. Amanda tries to say she knows nothing about what’s going on tonight. That’s crap. Parvati says that nobody should feel confident tonight. Jeff asks them how it would change if there’s a Final Two instead of a Final Three. Innnteresting. Then Amanda gets a little uppity about Cirie claiming she’s at the bottom of their alliance, which she totally has been. Cirie very astutely cites the fact that Amanda has said she WILL NOT vote for Parvati and Parvati has said the same, but nobody has said “I will not cast a vote for Cirie.” Amanda tries to keep her stupid ground, but Cirie’s got her dead to rights. Amanda and Parvati are getting mighty hoity-toity. Blech.

The votes go Cirie, Natalie, Natalie, Natalie. Cool beans. I’m surprised, I was sure it was gonna flop on us based on the editing. Back from Tribal, Amanda gets all up in Cirie’s face about her “bottom of the alliance” thing at Tribal. Basically, Amanda is upset because it made her and Parvati look mean in front of the jury. I mean, you can tell that’s what it is. Cirie explains to her exactly why she knows she’s at the bottom of each alliance (because it’s true) and Amanda like freaks out on her. What is Cirie supposed to think when Parvati is hanging off James like Fay Wray and King Kong and Ozzy is eating Amanda’s face in the shelter? Anyway, voices are raised but then it’s kind of anti-climactic because suddenly Amanda is crying. I think she genuinely feels bad for Cirie feeling left out and the plink-plunky strains of Emotional Girls Who Cry and Hug Each Other kicks up.

They patch things up and then Parvati TEMPTS the fates by saying “there’s no way there’s gonna be a Final Two.” Hmmm. The next morning they let Gloria go (Gloria is the chicken). She makes a little roost in the sand to lay her eggs and Amanda wonders when the “Final Three” feast is coming. Ummm…

Snake.

Does anybody care about the chicken? Is she going to be fending for herself in the jungle now? Anyway, the girls get treemail about the Final Immunity Challenge. But first they have to do the lame-ass Walk of Dead Contestants thing. I fucking hate this part. Barf. Amanda starts crying again at the prospect of another immunity challenge. I get that she’s pretty Survivored-out because she JUST came off of the China season, but dude…SUCK IT UP! ALso, Cirie sucks at challenges so this…does not bode well for her.

Parvati talks about “honoring” the other contestants. I hate this. IT’S DUMB! I honestly think this little segment is the worst filler in reality tv and that includes everything on Idol and Big Brother. Contestants: Johnny: weaselly gross dude who needs to be beaten up. Mary: …who? Yau Man: awesome, awesome dude. Cirie says the only reason he went so early is because he’s such a good player and for once I think that’s true, rather than when people THINK it’s true about themselves because the alternative is they got voted out because they suck so badly at life. Mikey B: anybody who goes by “Mikey” needs to get a haircut and get a real job. Joel: HULK SMASH! Jonathan: awesome dude, I want to have his babies. Chet: sucks balls. Though Cirie does say the chickens were not the same after he left. Haha. Kathy: big fat quitter who sucks. Tracy: awesome lady who should’ve stuck around, Ami. Ami: played pretty badly. Eliza: kinda rocked. I would’ve liked to see her and Jonathan just rule everybody if he hadn’t had to leave. Ozzy: Ass-thos. Jason: Poop-thos. James: funny dude, ate bats. Alexis: D’Artagnoops. Amanda calls her a “charmer,” which is easy for her to say now that Alexis is not snuggling with Ozzy. Erik: Aramistake. Natalie: she says “if a woman has the opportunity to think, she will outwit a man.” Umm…since when do women need an “opportunity” to think? Didn’t we stop needing that when we got the 19th amendment? She also says she’s her “biggest fan.” I can pretty much categorically say that is true.

Time for the final Immunity Challenge. There is a long wooden cylinder that has been cut into pieces. A silver ball balances on the middle piece. Every 5 minutes they add a piece to each side, so the thing you are holding together and balancing the ball on gets longer and longer. Interesting. Also, this won’t be a 12-hour ordeal, which is nice. I have to say, if I were in this position I’d almost throw the challenge. I think I’d much rather be charged with convincing someone why I should stay for Final Two than have to make the decision that could potentially screw me. Who you keep is a huge decision.

The first round everyone survives and they add two pieces to the stick. Amanda’s ball rolls a little, but she gets it back. Cirie looks the steadiest. They add two more pieces, so now they are at 5 sections between the handles. Wow, this one is unstable. And of course Jeff won’t stop prattling on about competiting. That would annoy me. And then Parvati drops the ball and is out. Man, I hope Cirie wins this. That would kick ass. She’s a nurse, she’s used to being all steady-handed. We add two more pieces, so the stick is 7 sections long. I’ll be very surprised if anybody survives this round. Interestingly, Amanda is holding the stick underhand and Cirie is overhand, plus Amanda is holding it only a few inches off the table and Cirie is holding hers up high. They both survive, which is impressive. The next two pieces is the last round and it goes until somebody is out.

I’d be so good at this. I played a mannequin in a play once and couldn’t move a muscle except talking for like 90 minutes. Both the balls waver and then Cirie’s rolls off and Amanda wins. DAMN. Damn damn damn. There’s no way Amanda keeps Cirie, she’s too well-liked. Bummer.

Back at camp, Cirie can’t really believe she lost because in surgeries she has to have such a steady hand and she knows that it does not look good for her. Amanda and Parvati powwow and Parvati seems pretty confident about Final Two. Yeah, this is fairly anti-climactic.

Big scary bat. James leaps out of the bushes, kills it and eats it.

There’s a lot of Amanda waffling and Parvati and Cirie acting like they’re nervous, but we all know how this is gonna go down. Get to the part where the sore losers act like jackwads and ask really ridiculous questions. At Tribal, Amanda calls winning a blessing and a curse…which I agree with, but I sure as hell would not say that in front of the jury! They predictably laugh at the audacity of saying a guaranteed Final 2 is a blessing and a curse. Amanda sits there and cries, it’s pretty lame. Seriously, this girl has completely lost her shit. The jury rolls their collective eyes so hard they fall backwards off the platform. For real, this is stupid.

Amanda votes. Ooooh, the tension. Cirie is voted out. I’m so shocked. Her exit interview is sweet. She’s pretty upset to have gotten so close yet again and lose. Awww.

Back from Tribal, we get to watch Amanda and Parvati lay around and giggle and crap. Boring. They get their Final Two feast and go apeshit. Parvati interviews that she can stand up tall because she’s a real survivor. If Destiny’s Child kicks up, I’m fucking out of here.

While they eat, Amanda calls this the biggest achievement of her life. Now, she goes on to say that in the last 6 months she’s been living in jungle for 78 days. Alright, that’s a lot. No wonder she’s gone completely cuckoo. But seriously…biggest accomplishment of your life? On Survivor? That…is one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard.

Also, if Amanda doesn’t win this…lame. She’s played a way better game than Parvati. She’s been part of the sneaky stuff and she wins challenges. They burn the shelter down and interspersed with those shots is an interview with Parvati talking about her cutthroat game. Hmmm.

I predict James, Ozzy, Cirie, Eliza, and Erik vote for Amanda and Alexis and Natalie vote for Parvati. Jason is a toss-up, but he doesn’t matter anyway.

Amanda’s opening speech is about how she’s proud of her game and she thanks them for helping her along. Parvati’s is about playing a different game from Cook Islands (James rolls his eyes) and cites pulling off the blindesides.

Eliza is up first and says she honestly has no idea who she is voting for. She doesn’t even ask a question, she just berates Parvati for being mean and Amanda for being superficial. HAHA. Jason asks Amanda if she had been in on the vote out Ozzy plan, would she have told him. She says yes and that’s it. He asks Parv what her redeeming qualities are and she says she was loyal to her alliance and that they didnt’ kill Gloria the chicken. HAHA. Alexis (looking SMASHING in a teal strapless shirt) asks Parvati if she’s a better role model for girls. She says she’s independent and more outgoing, more willing to make forward moves. Good answer. Alexis asks Amanda what part of her game was genuine. Amanda kind of barfs out something about how she doesn’t fake anything. Natalie asks Parvati how her flirting resonates in the bedroom…and the jury is confused. Turns out she’s asking about Parvati flirting with HER. HOLY CRAP. Is Natalie trying to find out if Parvati plays for both teams? Parvati says she flirts with everybody. It’s dumb. Natalie asks Amanda if her strategy was to play the zombied pretty girl or if that’s who she is? Amanda says it’s neither and that she came in here to earn everything and compete for everything.

Erik says 5 or 6 days ago he would’ve totally voted for Amanda, but now he feels burned at the last two tribal councils by Amanda. Basically, Erik got his widdle fweewings huwrt. James says Amanda knows she’s got it in the bag, so he wants to reenact Parvati gloating about voting Ozzy out, so she says she had to make the move to give herself a chance in the game. Boy, is he sour grapes. Cirie asks Amanda why Parvati deserves a million dollars more than Cirie. (Except that’s not what it’s about…you don’t base a decision on who deserves it more, you keep who you can beat. And Amanda can’t beat Cirie! Oh Cirie, you had me liking you SO MUCH but what a stupid question.) Amanda basically says Parvati played a better game than Cirie, which I don’t know about. Parvati gives a better answer about how Cirie played a great game but was more under the radar than Parvati which is totally legit because that’s why Amanda kept Parvati. She also cites Cirie having a family and 3 kids and how they can’t beat that.

Ozzy gets up and berates Parvati about how she put a price on their friendship and discarded a human being and he says he doesn’t want to talk to Parvati. Which is SUCH HORSESHIT! I knew he would be a jerk about getting played, but a lot of people had a hand in that, not just Parvati. He THEN goes on to say that part of why he’s mad is that she took away 14 days he could’ve spent with Amanda. OH FUCK ME GENTLY WITH A CHAINSAW. This is gross. Why was he snuggling with Alexis if he was “falling in love” with Amanda? Seriously! And he talks about how amazing she is and all that bullshit, which is gross. He is GROSS for berating Parvati that way and he is GROSS for bringing back his fucking “showmance” that he conveniently ignored when he wanted to cuddle up with Alexis. I mean…what the hell?

Well, I’m fairly convinced that Amanda’s got James and Ozzy’s votes. Parvati has Natalie, Alexis and Erik’s vote. Cirie, Eliza, and Jason are the toss-ups. Guess we’ll see. Also, I’ll recap up until the winner is announced and then I’m outta here. I got shit to do, yo.

It’s voting time and we see Erik vote for Amanda, which SURPRISES ME. He says, “I’m willing to forgive and forget if you’re willing to forgive and forget. You played a great game.” Huh. Alexis and Natalie both vote for Parv and Alexis says she’s going to do amazing things with the money. Hmm. I don’t know about that. Ozzy votes for Amanda and then Eliza takes like 10 minutes to decide who to vote for. Haha.

Jeff takes the Urn of Voting off the Tribal set and suddenly we’re on the studio set. And Amanda didn’t waste any time putting her weight back on. Her boobs are ENORMOUS! Parvati looks SO much prettier without all that makeup, too. Seriously, she’s puffy Parvati. I’m so disappointed Jeff no longer arrives by helicopter or jet ski or pogo stick. Lame.

The votes go: Parvati, Amanda, Parvati, Amanda, Parvati (ooooh), Amanda, (OH MY GOD LET THERE BE A 4-4 TIE!), Parvati (wow, really???), Parvati. WHAT?!?! NO FUCKING WAY! Also: OH MY GOD, HER NAME IS PARVATI SHALLOW? BWAHAHAHAHAHA.

Amanda only got James, Erik and Ozzy. Wow. Okay, I’m outta here folks. Tune in next fall for another season of Survivor! Lady Andrea out.