Sorry I missed last week, gang. I was whisked off to a job interview and didn’t really even have time to watch the show, let alone recap it. However, let me take a guess: David C rocked, David A closed his eyes and schmooped, and Syesha probably sounded beautiful but had not a prayer in the world of stopping the David-David juggernaut. How’d I do?
We start off with the “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” guy doing the stupidest intro I’ve ever seen in the history of reality TV and that is saying something. Also, if we’re going to have a rumble with these two it had better be under the highway and involve Jerome Robbins somehow. All the Top 12 are in the audience. Kristy Lee Cook appears to have been attacked by a jungle cat of some kind. Luke Perry is there with his granddaughter.
Seacrest does an “Applause-o-Meter” to see who the winner will be. Archuleta’s cheers collapse the theatre into a smoldering pile of rubble, he is declared the winner and we all go home. Ahhh wishful thinking.
We revisit each Idol’s story via Jim Lampley, a boxing analyst. Umm, seriously? I just…stop it with the boxing analogies! Who came up with this? I’d rather have them framing this as Jesus vs Satan. You know who is who. Andrew Lloyd Webber says the winner will be whoever dares to be different, which is total horseshit. The kid who has done the same thing all season is totally going to win. He could go out and sing two songs and then for his final act take a giant dump in a bucket and throw it on Paula Abdul and he’d still win. Archuleta calls this night a “dream come true,” which is a total lie. He says he prepared by rehearsing whenever he had time to rehearse. Translated from Archuleta-speak, that means when his father wasn’t horse-whipping him and he wasn’t overcome with wracking sobs because he hates this circus.
David Cook is up with his song choice from Count Dracula. Err…Clive Davis. David sings “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For,” which is a great song. David Archuleta gets “Don’t Let the Sun go Down on Me.” (They announce them before anybody sings, which is weird. And we get more stupid-ass boxing crap.)
Cook starts off and he’s slurring his words a little more than I’d like, but vocally it’s good. Big power notes and very subdued, which is new. When the more rocker part kicks up, he growls a little more and heads out for the audience after dragging the mike stand. Because that’s what rockers do, you see. Hmmm. Who is more smug? Bono or David Cook? Could go either way. But vocally I really enjoyed this. It was slightly slower than I would’ve liked, but other than that it was good. A- for David Cook, very strong start. Randy says he’s going to call him “DC” because they are “boys” by this point, right? To which David belatedly agrees. Snerk. Randy also says it’s 2007, so maybe he’s been dipping into Paula’s stash. Paula gives some amens while looking good in a very pretty sparkly dress. Simon calls it “phenomenal.” I wouldn’t go that far, but it was a very strong start.
Archuleta is up next doing his best Elton John. He’s sitting on the blue steps of sensitivity, which I hate. If I watch this, I want to beat him to death with a stick. If I close my eyes, it sounds amazing. I love this song and he sounds strong and powerful. And at least he’s keeping his damn eyes open. One of these times he’s gonna close his eyes, fall right into the Tween Pit and never be seen again. He gets his “Tent Revival” rock back n forth going, but it’s good. However…I didn’t like it as well as Cook. A– for Archuleta, round goes to Cook by a slim margin. Randy says one of the best of the whole season and flawless. Paula has chills. Simon says tonight may be the best he’s done so far, he awards Archuleta round 1. Hmmm.
Have you seen the “Chihuahua” trailer? It’s effing nightmare fuel. And there is one crazy white dog that always ends it by screaming “CHIHUAHUA” and dashing off-screen and I just realized that he reminds me of one of the goblins in Labyrinth. I’m thinking of a very specific one here, so I’m dismayed the goblins did not have names so I could tell you which one.
The second song of the night is from the Top 10 song-writing contest entries; the two contestants get to pick their own choice. Cook chose “Dream Big” and Archuleta chose “In this Moment.” Total rip-off on the title. Billy Vera might have a case. After some more fucking boxing comparisons (where was this when it was Taylor v Katharine?) we finally get a performance.
Cook’s got his guitar and the song is at least a little rock-anthemy for him. The chorus goes “if you don’t dream big, what’s the use of dreaming?” Haha, that’s such an Idol song. The verses are a little low for Cook, but if he doesn’t keep the verses low the chorus will be too high and screamy for him, so it’s a balance. Weirdly, I could totally hear this on the radio. Seriously. It’s got that damn high school prom wedding reception feel to it. The last note gets away from him. It’s really not a great song and that is REALLY not his fault. C+ for the song, B+ for Cook doing what he could with it. Randy says the song was okay, but that Cook was “singing his face off.” Hahaha. Paula says we’re all mesmerized, but since Paula is probably also mesmerized by the sequins on her shirt I don’t know if that is saying much. Simon calls the song a bit of a lightweight and that it didn’t feel like a winning moment. Totally true, it sucks Cook had to pick from the competition songs. The songs submitted for this show are going to be Archuleta Songs, not Cook Songs.
Archuleta kicks off “In this Moment.” The song builds with expectedly schmoopy lyrics and then the chorus goes, “and I wanna be in this moment. No one can take it from me.” The thing is? Vocally it is great. There’s a huge sweeping note on “I” in the chorus and it’s phenomenal. I am so sick to death of this kid’s schtick, but vocally he is ridiculously talented. Ridiculously. I would give my left arm…my sight…some family members to be able to sing like that. Randy didn’t love the song but says Archuleta is in the zone. Paula calls it heartfelt. Hmmm. Do robots have hearts? Snerk. Simon says he chose the best song, but that’s not a fair critique at all. I guaran-fucking-tee there were 10 total schmoop-fest songs and Cook did the best he could with what he had to choose from. Simon gives round 2 to Archuleta, which is fair. A for Archuleta. I hated the song, but it sounded great.
Personally, I think they are closer right now than the judges would have you believe but they are contractually obligated to pimp Archuleta at every turn.
For the third song, Cook is doing Collective Soul’s “World I Know” and Archuleta is doing “Imagine.” Cook’s got the acoustic guitar going and I just love it. I love this song and he is adding trills here and there and changing some notes to make it his own without going too far off the rails. His gravelly voice sounds great. I’m getting ready to throw my panties. I like this a lot. It’s going a little slow for a “last song” of the night. Little heavy, but vocally I loved it. A for Cook. Randy says he’s showing his different sides and he could have a hit with that kind of song, which is totally true. Paula says he’s “standing in [his] truth.” Whatever that means. Simon wants to publicly declare that Cook is nice and sincere but that that was the wrong song choice for the last position of the night. That’s fair, but it was a great song. Cook counters that he didn’t want to do something he’d already done.
Archuleta steps up for “Imagine” and I try to hold back my heaves. Seriously. I love the Beatles, but I effing hate this song. Let’s all hold hands and buy the world a Coke and maybe the world will come together where we have no possessions and no war and no bad things EVER!.
Anyway, Archuleta’s got his best eyes-at-half-mast-white-jacket-wearing-savior thing going on. Seriously, it’s the same thing a third time in a row. A song I hate (okay, I don’t hate “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me.” I like it. But the point stands) and if I close my eyes it’s vocally beautiful while still making me choke back my vomit. Seriously, that was boring. “Imagine” is a boring song because Lennon was a songwriter, not a vocalist. And that was milquetoast. Archuleta can fucking sing, but I give round 3 to Cook. Randy loved it, Paula loved it and Simon says they had one of the great finals in the history of the show (which is actually true) but that Archuleta has knocked out Cook tonight. I actually disagree but we all know Archuleta is going to win.
Recap: Cook showing up Bono, doing his best with a shitty song-writing competition song, and bringing it down to Collective Soul in a surprisingly awesome performance. Archuleta sounding amazing but if you MUTE it, you cannot tell one song from the next because he is the same person with the same mannerisms in every song.
Who should win? Well, Archuleta is the best singer this season and Cook will be fine without “winning” so I’m fine with the finish that’s been mandated since Day 1.
