Our contestants are dressed like they belong in a Wham! video and Seacrest welcomes us to the finale. My mom and I are watching mostly to see Carrie Underwood sing and to see who wins. The rest of this two-hour suckfest is going to be ridiculous, I’m sure. I’d rather be re-reading Harry Potter (my summer project to celebrate being done with law school.) Hey, Holly Robinson Peete is there! What list celebrity is she? D list? M list?
We find out that there were over 97 million votes cast and one David received 56% and one received 44%. Wow. For a Final Vote, that’s not even close. Archuleta won in a landslide, I’m sure of it. We kick it to Fran Drescher in Kansas City, MO (which is being counted as David Cook’s hometown). Mikaela (Fran) looks fabulous but still grates. Archuleta’s hometown is hosted by Matt Rogers (marine guy) in Salt Lake City, Utah.
Now the Top 12 perform with some So You Think You Can Dance peeps to the “Get Ready” by the Temptations. Everybody is in white, there is lots of show choir step-touching, and Carly screws up the dance moves right out of the shoot. Amanda Obermyer wants to kill herself. Janice Dickerson blows kisses and I get scared that she’s going to pop some plastic surgery and spill all over the place. Yikes.
Now we get the Davids singing “Hero” by Nickelback and for ONCE a harmony works on this show. Cook can totally do the leader singer part all growly and Archuleta is a good enough musician that he can do the high harmony. Very nice. I can’t believe I like this, but it’s pretty decent. I mean, I hate this song but vocally it’s awesome for them. That was surprisingly good.
We now have a product-placed trailer for that stupid Love Guru movie with Mike Myers. Jeezus tapdancing Christ. My mom goes, “What is this? They made the Idols go see some fruity guru guy?” and I’m like, “No, mom…it’s a promotional thing…forget it. Change it to HGTV.” In one genuinely candid funny moment, Myers puts some shaving cream on Cook to shave his 90s facial hair and as Cook leans away from Myers wielding a razor, a giant glob of shaving cream falls off and Archuleta catches it. Cook and Archuleta both start cracking up (like, Cook is LOSING it) and that’s pretty adorable.
Syesha is now up singing “Waiting for You” with a “very special guest.” I wonder who that is? As long as it’s not fucking Meatloaf, I’m alright. Oh thank god. It’s Seal, phew. I’m totally bored by this song. Syesha looks beautiful, Seal is Seal and I need more wine. There’s a winery in West Branch, Iowa that makes some damn fine red wine called Chambourcin. I buy a bottle every time I drive by. You should check it out, if you are ever near Iowa City, Iowa.
Jason Castro then takes the stage for “Hallelujah.” I would’ve preferred his “Somewhere Where Over Rainbow,” but this good too. He’s such a weird little guy, but I love this song and I love the way he does it. And I’ve been drinking wine, so I get a little choked up for CJ and her FBI agent. Awww, sad.
We now have a Ford commercial where everybody dorks around, screwing up on the set for the previous Ford commercials. I love seeing the Idols hang out and look like friends. The best is when Carly and Kristy are in a car that is supposed to be turning a corner and they lean into each other, which the laws of physics tells us cannot happen. Snerk.
The Finalists get their car and then the Ladies perform Donna Summer hits. They start off with Brooke and Kristy doing “She Works Hard for the Money.” Again, Amanda Obermyer wants to hang herself. They are all dressed in sassy red outfits that I love and there’s some great choreography. Carly and Amanda take “Hot Stuff” and Amanda sounds like poop but Carly sounds awesome. Then Ramiele gets a tiny solo and THEN WE GET THE REANIMATED CORPSE OF DONNA SUMMER. Like, she is literally so old and frail that two dudes have to hold her hands as she descends the stairs on the Idol stage. Dude. Stop trotting out old artists. Between Donna Summer, the plastic surgery version of Lionel Ritchie, the death-rattle of Dionne Warwick and the VIDEO OF ELVIS I’m about done with these shenanigans. Some “So You Think You Can Dance” kids groove off to the side like they are totally digging this woman they’ve never even heard of. And then I think I spy Ryan Seacrest break dancing and my life has meaning again. I mean, that might be the single greatest thing I’ve EVER SEEN. Ever. Forever ever.
Weirdly, all the girls are in red skirts except Amanda (who is in pants) and Carly (who has on BLACK tights with her outfit). That’s just mean. It makes Carly look ridiculous instead of making her “stand out.” Syesha sings “Last Dance” with Summer and it’s pretty cool. Very good vocals, especially for a walking corpse (Donna, not Syesha). They end with hand-in-the-air-show-choir-pose. I expect nothing less.
Carly and Michael are now doing “The Letter” because they “left too early.” That’s quite the smack in the face to who was left after them, isn’t it? Thsi is the “gimme a ticket for an aeroplane, ain’t got time to take a fast train” song. I don’t like the arrangement, but they run down the stairs in the cutest way EVER. I want them to get married and have beautiful Irish-Australian babies. Seriously, I love these two and I’m digging this performance. They have good chemistry together onstage and I’m enjoying this a lot. A for Carly and Michael. Nicely done. And then they hug and I melt into a puddle of goo. So cute.
Jeri Ryan.
Jimmy Kimmel comes out and makes a Sanjaya-as-valet joke, which is…mildly funny. Kimmel thanks Seacrest, then shows a picture of Chris Sligh to demonstrate what Seacrest would look like without makeup and costumes. We rag on Paula about her second-performance-gaffe from a few weeks ago. Paula looks amazing tonight, btw, in a red dress. Wow. We then set Simon’s insults to music. It’s dumb, it’s filler. GET ON WITH IT! We aren’t even halfway done with this crap. We see Randy wearing his best Michael Jackson coat.
The Top 6 guys perform now as DMichael Johns kicks us off with some awesome “Summer of ’69.” I fucking love that song, y’all. He kicks it to David Hernandez, who can’t handle the vocals as well as Michael. Castro takes over and he’s so lost in that song. Chikezie does a little better and then they all come together center stage in a big “love fest.” Ewwww. Hernandez has his sleeves rolled up, they look like the goddamn T-Birds. And then the two finalists take on “Heaven.” Holy fuck, is this a Bryan Adams medley?!?!? Well, he IS the Canadian Bruce Springsteen. Yikes. The chorus of “Heaven” kicks up and the harmony is…BAD. Bad. SO VERY BAD. Then Bryan Adams actually comes out, with his guitar and his unwashedhair and his pock-mocked face. Except the pock-marks are pretty much gone, so hats off to the Idol makeup department. Seriously though, I find Bryan Adams really attractive. I always have. It’s weird, I know. He sings his new single and then we go to “I Need Somebody” He sure is smiley tonight. Is he drunk? Probably. It’s always hilarious the artists they get on these finale extravaganzas.
Bo Bice. And thankfully a break.
Now Jordin Sparks says we can go to Disney studios and go to the American Idol theme park? What??? That is not the Harry Potter theme park and I don’t care.
Seacrest asks Paula to yell “ZZ Top” in the mic and she almost falls over. Haha. Cook is singing “Sharp Dressed Man” with the ZZ Top guys, which is awesome. I love this song. Might be my favorite ZZ Top song, actually. These guys still rock. I mean, they could just have the beards and they would still rock my face off. Cook is singing the song just a liiiiiittle slowly, but overall it’s good. And I notice for the firm time that Cook is a lefty. The ZZ Top guys both have their guitars facing one way and are doing the step thing where they step back and forth at the same time and David Cook looks awkward because his guitar is the opposite way. I never noticed he was a lefty before. Huh. Paula is grooving in her lipstick red dress. She looks awesome tonight, even if there is a coke-induced smile on her face at all times.
We check in with Mikaela in Kansas City. She’s with David Cook’s music teacher, who “feels good!” Wow.
Now Brooke White is singing “Teach Your Children” with Nash, from Crosby, Stills and Nash. This is exactly what she should release for an album. She’s so cute. This harmony is a little scary. It’s no Dwight Schrute and Michael Scott, that’s for damn sure. She looks beautiful, though. I want to be BFF with Brooke White.
Now we get…a band that I do not recognize at all. Seriously, what the hell is this? Turns out it’s SOS by the Jonas Brothers. Ummm, okay. These guys have whiny pukestain voices and the one is playing a goddamn tambourine. Next!
There is a montage of the worst auditioners, which causes me to get some more wine. Seriously, this was bad enough the first time. We do not need to relive it. But then we bring out Renaldo Lapuz, the dude in white suit who sang the “I am Your Brother” song. This is so fucking stupid. How can anybody involved in this show agree to this? Then the USC marching band and song girls come out and join him and I have officially gone down the rabbit hole by way of the looking glass. I mean…fuck. And then Randy joins this dude on stage to sing and Paula is doing her dance moves and…fine, that’s pretty cute. I heart Paula Abdul. I give her a lot of shit, but my heart is not made of coal. She’s awesome.
One Republic is now performing “Apologize,” a song I like. Not sure what it has to do with the price of tea in China, but maybe it’s an apology for how god-awful this two-hour results show is to sit through. I wish I could bleep bleep bleep through this. Archuleta comes out to sing with them because OF COURSE he does. They get a little screamy at the end, like they are trying to out care-about-the-world-and-be-sensitive each other.
We kick it to Matt Rogers, who says it’s the biggest party in Utah. Well yeah. But it doesn’t take much to be the biggest party in friggin’ Utah. Matt Rogers totally cuts off Archuleta’s father’s father and then asks the mom’s dad about whose side the talent comes from and the grandpa totally says “both sides” but Matt ignores them and says he said “his side” and the other grandpa says “his side” and Matt Rogers yells “grandpa Idol” in a total Randy Savage “I’ll see you next week at Madison Square Garden” way and I’m so goddamn terrified.
Jordin Sparks comes out to sing some song, but I can’t even concentrate because she appears to be wearing gold tinfoil in the style of a Dorothy dress. Seriously, where are her ruby slippers? It is hideous. It makes her look heavy and she is not a heavy girl. She’s not waif-thin, but she’s not heavy and this dress makes her look enormous. Good lord. I just noticed the gold choker she is also sporting. It’s like S&M Dorothy meets The Supremes (the girl group, not the excellent West Wing episode). Make it stop. You are tarnishing my affection for Jordin Sparks.
We now inexplicably have a hologram of Gladys Knight singing “Midnight Train to Georgia” with Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. as the Pips. Ummm, I think I may have dropped acid. And I am being completely serious. This is beyond the pale. Jack Black now has lost his pants. I am going to have nightmares about this. Last night I had nightmares involving being able to shoot fire out of my hands like Iron Man and a boy I went to school with named Mike Ball. And tonight is going to trump this. SO. SCARY.
AND NOW WE HAVE CARRIE UNDERWOOD! Wearing a weird white trench coat and some filmy wrap. It’s very Dolly Parton as a slutty 25 year-old. HOT DAMN IN HEAVEN her legs look AMAZING. This song kinda sucks and I can’t even really understand her, but she looks great and her voice sounds good. Her trench coat is so short I think I may have just given her a pap smear. Yikes.
While I don’t buy for a minute that Kelly Ripa does all that crap that the Electrolux commercial implies she does, I think she seems like a fun girl to hang out with. That is all.
There’s a “Risky Business” commericial for Rock Star where Archuleta plays “Old Time Rock n Roll” while dancing around in socks and a pink mens button-down shirt and it’s pretty much awesome. I don’t like the kid on Idol, but that was pretty much the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Adorable.
We now get the Top 12 performing again, this time it’s “Faith” by George Michael. Kristy starts off in a very cute dress, then Carly takes over and blows her out of the water. Ramiele has a better solo this time and does some actually good harmony with Syesha. The boys come out and do some “Father Figure” and…just ew. This makes me think of Ace Young giving me syphillis over the TV screen. I do not like this. I need a shower. Though David Cook does rock the “til the end of time” part and that’s cool. If they’re doing the George Michael hits, I’m disappointed they don’t do “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.” But they move into “Freedom.” I’m bored. Announce a winner already. Then George Michael himself comes out. Ooooh, I’m all a-twitter. He’s dressed vaguely like a priest, which is gross. Like, the gap in his shirt collar (from afar) looks like a “collar.” Yuck. Does anybody think George Michael and Bono might be the same dude? Just me?
We go to commercial and by the time we’re back to Idol, it’s 8:57. Damn Gina! Get this shit done on time! Seacrest brings us to judges’ final thoughts. Randy, looking like a Pip, says they are both winners. Paula, looking SMASHING, is honored to be sitting there and calls it the beginning of the start of their destinies. Haha. That should be the title of next year’s coronation song. Simon congratulates them both, saying last night wasn’t quite as clear cut as he said it was and apologizes to David Cook. Which is nice…NOW. Jeezus, Cowell. Fat lot of good that does him after the votes are cast. We already know the votes went 56 to 44%, and I’m sure it’s in favor of Archuleta. Geez.
The American Idol of 2008 is…DAVID COOK!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! NO WAY! NO WAY! I AM ACTUALLY STUNNED. STUNNED. OH MY GOD. That’s awesome. That’s so awesome and I am SHOCKED. For real, my jaw is DROPPED. I am stunned at this. I’m so excited for him, but…I mean…I’ve predicted the winner every year except Clay versus Ruben. WOW.
Way to go David Cook!!! Lady Andrea out.
such language